Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Church or no-Church; The Conclusion

It’s a typical hot July day here in sunny Southern California. It’s Sunday afternoon. I am in my office and I can hear my hubby clearing the kitchen of the lunch dishes. I am remembering the morning. I woke today wondering about church or no church. Would he go? Would he stay home?

What do you think happened this morning?

Before I tell you how the morning played out let’s rewind, I think it was Wednesday – no Thursday. My husband and I were in the family room watching television. I can’t recall how this conversation began but, the television was quieted as we discussed the upcoming weekend get-togethers on the calendar.

During this conversation I inserted, “No matter what, you will find this girl in church come Sunday morning.” I smiled. “I have missed it and can’t wait to be there this week.” You see, I haven’t attended now for two weeks. It feels like two years. I made certain that my tone of voice was kind and even keeled as I spoke. I didn’t want him to feel guilt or judgment. I only wanted to assert that church this weekend, was one event I would not miss. The unspoken message hung above us. You are free to go with me; you are free to stay home.

He changed his posture sitting up and leaning forward he said, “You do know that for the past couple of Sunday’s I was willing to attend church. I set the alarm and would have gone with you.”

I should clarify right now that it was me who chose to stay home over the past two Sundays. Not because I was pouting or angry or trying to make a point. I just felt like I needed to be home and let things settle out.

I looked at my man, “You know, I am completely sincere about this Honey, don’t go to church just to please me. Don’t go because you think it will make me happy or that it’s good for our marriage. I promise you, it is okay to stay home and I won’t be mad.”

“I wasn’t planning to go just for you. I want to go for me too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Fast forward. It’s Sunday morning. My guy was up late the night before, so I pretty much knew he wouldn’t roll out of bed in time. Then…….

Behold!

At 9:10 a.m. he shuffled down the hall in search of coffee. A miracle in itself, as he is a definite night owl and up later than usual to boot. I smiled at his tired face. He mumbled something about a nap and sat down with his steaming mug.

I headed off to get dressed and he followed shortly. He was moving slow and I thought to myself, we are going to be late again. But, I kept those words to myself for once and gave him grace.

We arrived at church, the three of us, including teen-daughter. We sat down in the sanctuary with one minute to spare. We were at church together. No anger, no rolling of the eyes, no pressure, no guilt, only love.

Now that’s a great end to this story.

Sometimes I just sit down and ask Jesus, “Why are you so patient with me? I seem to make things harder for You, Lord. Forgive me.”

I have learned many lessons over the past several weeks. It is hard to share with you how my selfishness can get in the way of God’s efforts, how human I can be, and how I can struggle to truly practice what I preach. Gulp, but I pray that someone will read this story and realize that God will go to great lengths to change a selfish little girl like me and to reach out to an unbeliever like my husband. He NEVER stops working on our character, our relationships nor our marriages. He never stops pursing the lost.

And He will never give up on you either. NEVER!

He loves us that much. How awesome is that?

Be Blessed, Lynn

Church or no-Church, Part I

Church or no-Church, Part II

Church or no-Church, Part III

Let’s Talk, Part 2

Last week we had a great discussion about communication. Lots of great comments and input. Let me see if I can summarize some of what was shared.

Talking: The true key to communication, although we do communicate with our body language and tone of voice, but we’ll leave that to another post. Kathleen gave us a good example of how she tried to meet her husband on his terms and interests. And based upon what she said, her efforts were rewarded. Her husband encouraged her. The point here is she took the time to find a way to involve herself in something her husband liked to do, therefore opening more opportunities for them to communicate and share. (Guess I’ll give disc golf another shot. Stay tuned for more on that one!)

Choices: Part of the underlying thread of communication is the choice to participate and even choose an activity conducive to talking. Having dinner instead of a movie. Taking a walk together for exercise instead of going to the gym and then going different directions. Or even doing activities in the same room—reading, like Gretchen’s example—but still keeping physical contact (there’s that body language again…) and being open to share and talk when the mood hits. Just be sure to pick an activity in which you and your spouse won’t mind interruptions. Kathryn made a great suggestion of having a regular date night. Here’s an opportunity to get creative in the planning and even challenge one another to try new things. Let’s admit it, part of the battle is falling into old routines that leave one or both spouses dissatisfied.

Part of this also applies to the situation like our anonymous friend shared. Yes, we want to reach out to our unbelieving spouses and find common ground, but we can’t compromise to sin in order to do it. God would never ask that of us anyway. Perhaps in anonymous’ case, the family could work together to find appropriate shows and movies they can watch together, and leave a clear boundary that he’s on his own when she and her son find the content offensive. Their actions will continue to speak volumes.

Setting Aside Agendas: With this comes Amber’s excellent point. Humility. If we can go into our effort to connect with our spouses with humility, with our own agendas set aside, perhaps we can reach them in new ways. Sure, it may mean doing something like wading through burrs and dry grass to find a Frisbee disc on a hot day, but am I willing to put aside my discomfort and make the point of the activity—to spend time together—the focus?

Rob gave us a reverse scenario of this one. He found something he felt would be interesting to both him and his wife. And not only that, it turned into an opportunity for him to share his faith. His persistence paid off.

Prayer: At the risk of sounding like a broken record, let’s pray and ask God to show us new ways to communicate with our spouses. When we’ve tried everything and have basically moved on to live separate lives for the most part as Grammy shared with us, I still believe God can break these barriers in ways we can’t even imagine. So yes, when we are in a difficult marriage, we should continue to grow and pursue our own interests, but we shouldn’t give up on our difficult spouses, nor throw that valuable respect Tamara talked about out the window. Nor should we keep ourselves stagnant just to make our spouse happy. The enemy would love nothing better. When we can’t seem to make any ground in these situations, God can. And we can too through his guiding hand and strength. (Phil. 4:13)

So, let's keep sharing new ways to communicate with our spouses. And if you see me on the disc golf range, be sure to wave hello. I’ll be the one picking burrs out of my socks.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Attending Church AloneChurch or no-Church

Things often play out very strange.

I am going to share a story with you. I am still trying to process the circumstances of the past two weeks looking for the hand-print of God in this. I would be interested to know if any of you have experienced what I experienced and how you processed it.

 _____

One of the most consistent Google searches which bring new readers to Spiritually Unequal Marriage is this: Attending Church Alone.

I am not surprised by this. For many years, going to church alone was an enormous obstacle for me. Our society is after all, structured primarily around couples. Ever been to the amusement park? Two chairs together on the roller coaster. What about going to the movie theater alone? Shudder!

And finally, church. Organized religion, for the most part, revolves around couples – families. I am not condemning this truth only pointing out that the typical church centers around husbands AND wives. Church leadership doesn’t intend to isolate singles. After all look at the many thriving singles programs churches offer.

However, being married and single is a category most churches can’t even begin to comprehend. With this said, the reality of attending church alone is excruciating. Many Sundays, I would sit down in the sanctuary by myself. Soon a cute couple would shuffle down the row in front of me. I always seemed to notice they were holding hands. Then they would sit directly in front of me thus making it impossible for me to ignore them. And finally they would shoot each other a dazzling, I-am-in-love-with-you-and-so-glad-to-be-in-church-with-you, smile.

Pain.

I’m not saying anything is wrong with this scenario. In fact, it is very right. But for me……. my heart could be wrenched right out of my chest. The pastor’s message would become lost as his words floated above me, indistinguishable because I was lost in a turbulent sea of unfulfilled longing which threatened to completely swallow me up. Anyone relate?

So now let me put a twist on this scenario. It’s utterly strange to me as I contemplate what I am going to share.

In the recent months since my husband's unemployment, he has attended church with me sporadically. Elated just doesn’t describe how excited I felt over this change in our relationship in early January. Every unbelieving spouse, hopes –dreams- about this day. We think, finally, he will hear the truth spoken and because it is delivered by someone other than me, perhaps the Holy Spirit will finally breakthrough to him.

A desperation prayer is then quickly uttered. “O Lord, please, please, let this be the day he is baptized.”

Well, I am still waiting. And in recent weeks, a new phenomenon has emerged into our intricate church attendance drama.

ME.

Recently when my husband chooses to attend church, I faced some unexpected and baffling scenarios. The night or morning before church, my husband would launch into complaints. “The music's too loud. It is a waste of time. Why do we stand through the long singing time? All the men that I observe in church just aren’t’ into it, so why do we sing? And, why is church so long anyway? An hour is enough.”

At first I would answer these questions. “Popular Christian music isn’t like the old hymns. Younger people like it louder and more energetic. So do I.”

“We stand because we honor God as we stand to our feet and from my perspective the singing (worship) isn’t long enough.”

“Many, many people including men really, honestly, like the music.”

And I just leave the whole length-of-the-service thing completely alone. If you love Jesus, you like to be there. If you don’t…….

In addition to these complaints, he would use body language to display his displeasure during the service once we arrive. And if I am brutally honest, I found myself in silent tears as I observed the hostility in him while I stood at his side in church on random Sundays. Because of these verbal and nonverbal complaints, the once-a week- worship and reconnection which I desperately needed was subtly stolen from me. It was just too much for me to ignore.

It seems last week I couldn’t take anymore. It was Father’s Day. He complained about getting up early. “I am not going to rush to get ready. We will get there when we get there” he said as he stepped into the shower.

My disappointment mounted. I LOVE TO WORSHIP. The music can absolutely revive my heart.

We walked into the church that morning and the music was loud but not piercing. He immediately mumbled some caustic remark to me. Girls and Men…. I just snapped. “You do not need to be here. I don’t want you to come to church just to make me happy. I no longer want you here if you don’t desire to be here so please leave right now and I will get a ride home.”

I stared straight into his face with an intensity that could have bored holes through his head. At the moment, I wish they would have. Not kidding!

_____

~This post has gone long but I have so much more of the story to tell. It's already written and I will meet you again here on Friday, July 3rd for the conclusion as well as a question for you. Please come back. Also, today give me your thoughts and share your experiences about church or no-church. Be Blessed, Lynn

Let's Talk

Communication is a vital part of any relationship. And I'll be honest. Right now I'm not communicating very well with my hubby. Thanks to some wonderful prayer warriors, I can sense it's getting better, but I'm still not quite on track, or where I'd like to be. Because, let's face it, in a SUM, it's like we're constantly on stage, don't you think? I know I do. We want to our unbelieving spouses to witness what God's done or doing in our lives, but that's not always easy.

So, let's hang out and talk a little bit here about the challenges of communication and how we can find ways to improve our talking, and listening skills.

One area I think makes a big difference in communication is staying connected. This can be a real challenge in any kind of marriage. We grow older, our interests change, and before you know it, you're more like two people living separate lives who occasionally intersect than a married couple.

I know I've tried playing an online game with my hubby, and even went disc golfing with him once. But I'm finding myself more challenged to find things we can connect with and through, since our beliefs are so different.

So, what have you found works in helping stay connected to your spouse? Let's get a convo going here, people! Let's talk!

Looking forward to reading your comments!
Dineen

I Like Big Bibles and I Can Not Lie

Yesterday in honor of Father’s Day we experienced: 

Every year ~ fantastic. Here is a taste.

Prepare to experience an urge to dance, giggle and jump up and down. You will want watch every second of this video. I promise.

Have a fantastic week. Be blessed, Lynn

The Bible as a Magazine?

Last week I found out about an interesting book while watching Stephen Colbert. The Bible Illuminated. Created by Swedish-based Illuminated World and approved by the American Bible Society, this magazine style Bible uses the Good News Translation mixed with images from today. The New Testament is available now and the Old Testament can be pre-ordered.

I'm fascinated with this concept. One, Scandinavia is one of the least "religious" areas in the world. The potential for this "coffee-table" style Bible to reach those unexposed to Christianity could have huge potential.

On the other hand, some of the images seem odd. Throughout the Scriptures, certain pieces are highlighted and connect with the images. One photo of three gangster-looking men seemed to be linked to the three wise men. I laughed at first, then struggled with the connection.

The covers themselves are very evocative and strong. Here again, I can see these images working quite well in the Scandinavian region known for its free thinking, yet I can also picture the more conservative side finding these covers verging on inappropriate.

However, I'd like to believe the potential is there to reach those who wouldn't otherwise pick up a Bible on their own. As an unequally yoked spouse I'm always looking at things like this from the angle of reaching the seemingly unreachable.

I'm not sure how these "books" will go over in the U.S., but perhaps here is where we have to trust that God will certainly use this to his glory.

We've seen Him use stranger things, haven't we?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Weekend Devo — Talk Like the Animals

As my daughter and I were driving to the dog park, she told me a cute story. See, one day a while back, her dad had taken her and Shasta, her poochy, to the dog park. She said the most interesting thing happened. The dogs were drawn to my hubby. According to my daughter, they all surrounded him, sniffing and curious, and several even stayed near him while they were there.

This is the part I love. To her this showed God's love. She firmly believes God used those dogs that day to show her dad how much God loves him. And based on how I've seen God use our dog in my daughter's struggles with depression and recovery from brain surgery, I believe it.

I could totally picture this scene, too. These humble beasts standing around my dear hubby, "talking" of God's love with wags of tails and licks of tongues. After all, animals know how to love unconditionally best, don't they?

We serve such an awesome God. How has He made his love known to you in the smallest (and even biggest!) of ways lately? I hope you'll share a story of God's love in action through a special pet or unique circumstances.

Blessings and have a wonderful weekend!
Praying and believing,
Dineen

Our Journey's - Part II

This is Part Two of “Our Journeys” posts. To read the original post, click here.

This week's question is from Julianne: I would love to hear about the growth/changes in your family each of you have seen since your time of starting here. Even though it may not yet be where you hope, what differences have you experienced over time?

Lynn’s Answer:

Julianne, It is difficult to sum up in a few short paragraphs the changes which have occurred over the years. Even in the past three years since the start of SUM, the Lord has done amazing things. I give Jesus Christ all honor and credit because without His life-changing power at work in me, my man, and our marriage, we would not be living the abundant life today.

Jesus is my hope.

I think what I value the most from the changes brought by Christ is the fact that I have grown in my faith. ome of you know that my husband lost his job in January. He is still unemployed today. But, I know my faith has matured because of how I handled the news of my husband’s unemployment.

I didn’t freak!

It is my nature to be crazy and freak-out over financial matters. The former banker in me, I guess. Upon hearing the news, I only felt calmness. In fact, scripture verses rushed into my head and gave me peace. The years of writing God’s word upon my heart came to fruition.

Still today after five, almost six months, I am peaceful and I absolutely trust God - He is our provider. I can say this with true authenticity, I could live in a two room shack today and be happy. If you knew me ten years ago, you would never have thought those words could escape my lips.

The Lord has brought peace to our home. He relentlessly pursues my husband’s heart and soul. Why should I fear? My prayers for his salvation will be answered. I never doubt that because Jesus is my hope.

My husband has changed in that he is no longer hostile about my faith and is on his own slow journey to understanding. A miracle in my eyes.

I look at that guy today from across the room and I can’t wait to grow old with him. I smile and walk over to the couch, snuggle down on his chest, hold his hand and I rejoice in the knowledge that I serve an all-powerful, almighty, miracle delivering God.

I am deeply humbled and will worship Him for all eternity. Be Blessed, Lynn

Chronicles - Oh ye, of Little Faith

I have prayed for my husband’s salvation now going on 18 years. Wow, 18. There are times, day, weeks, dare I say months that I just feel like my daily prayer, “Lord, I ask for the salvation of my husband. I ask for the Holy Spirit to indwell in his heart. Jesus, save my husband today. Amen.” I just feel like they bounce off the ceiling.

“God, are you too busy to listen today?”

“God, why is it taking so long?”

"God, why don’t I see you doing anything in his life to draw my husband closer to you?”

I wonder if some of you have felt like this.

Today, I heard that still small voice in my spirit, “Oh ye, of little faith.”

I realized that God is very active in a constant way in the life of my husband. Things happen around him that I am not always privileged to see. However, today the Lord showed me that He does not remain silent. My husband’s salvation is not dependent on what I do or say. God often uses other people and Jesus is capable of saving my man without my help…. thank you very much.

Today my husband forwarded an email he received from a friend. I can’t impress enough about how this particular email has more power than 10 sermons my husband might hear. It was an email from a close friend who took a chance and shared his faith. God is not silent.

Oh forgive me Father for ever thinking you are.

Here is a portion of the email which stirred my heart.

GOD’S GREATEST COMMANDMENT

God gives us peace and joy when our focus is truly loving God first and loving others second (instead of focusing on our perceived needs). When we obey this great commandment, God takes care of our needs for us. Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

As believers we are good about obeying the “Great Commission” of sharing the gospel, and yet Jesus’ “Great Commandment” is often overlooked. You see, God did not say "think about yourself, get that now, take care of this, worry about that.......", but He did command us to love Him above all, and love others like ourselves. When we obey His “Great Commandment” fully, we can then trust Him to provide for our needs according to His abundant grace and perfect will! When we accept God's provisions for us with thanksgiving and praise, we are freed from the cares of this world. ~Aurelio F. Barreto III, January 2009

My husband's friend sent a portion of Aurelio's testimony. It is fantastic. Have a wonderful week. Be Blessed, Lynn

Weekend Devotion — How can they believe?

"But since you do not believe what he wrote, how are you going to believe what I say?" — John 5:47

Oddly, reading this gave me great comfort recently. In Jesus' words, I hear my own dilemma with my spouse. Since he doesn't believe in God or the Bible as his Word, how can he believe what I say when I share my faith?

Perhaps herein lies the truth of "actions speak louder than words." Regardless, my spirit is comforted in knowing Jesus understands because he lived it too.

This reassurance spurs me on to keep persevering in my marriage, to keep believing God is working even when I see nothing change. Jesus continued to do what his Father sent him to accomplish, even when those he was sent to save rejected him.

With Christ as our example, we can draw strength and courage to persevere, because he showed us the way.

May God bless you richly this Memorial Day weekend with much love and joy with your families.

Praying and believing,
Dineen