Spiritually Unequal Marriage

When God Leads

“When you sense an answer from the Lord and your husband doesn't, how do you communicate WHY you feel moved to do what God said?”

A friend of mine posed this question to me recently. At first I didn’t know how to answer, because I couldn’t recall a situation where this happened. Don’t you know God brought a time to mind as I relayed a story to someone a couple weeks later?

Almost two years ago, my daughter started talking about getting a dog. We already had four cats, so I didn’t take her idea too seriously, nor did her dad. Yet, she persisted and even found the dog she wanted in an online search. A search that shouldn’t have shown her this particular dog, but for some reason did. That was my first inkling God was at work.

As the week progressed, I sensed deep in my spirit that my daughter needed this dog. She’d had a difficult time in seventh grade, and I’d decided to homeschool her for the next school year in an attempt to see if we could help her depression.

But how could I explain this to my husband? I knew if I brought God into the discussion, the validity of my case would diminish. So, I presented it as a mother trying to do what she thought best. I knew this dog would be important to our daughter and that’s exactly how I presented the situation, with a lot of prayer of course.

At the time my husband trusted my judgment, and now he too sees how important this special dog has been to our daughter, especially during her brain surgeries, treatment, and now her recovery. In the two years since, what I sensed from God has been affirmed over and over again as his way of preparing us for what laid ahead and providing what we would need to persevere.

Through prayers and God’s guidance I was able to present my position in a way that respected my husband and honored God.

As unequally yoked spouses, these types of situations are inevitable, but if God’s the one leading us in a certain direction, he’ll surely help us get there.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Pride is a Cheater

Pride is a Cheater

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny...because
you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment...because
you "deserve better than this."

I cheat you of knowledge ...because
you already know it all.

I cheat you of healing...because
you're too full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness...because
you refuse to admit when your wrong.

I cheat you of vision...because
you'd rather look in the mirror than out a window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship...because
nobody's going to know the real you.

I cheat you of love...because
real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat you of greatness in Heaven...because
you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.

I cheat you of God's glory...because
I convince you to seek your own.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.

Untrue.

I'm looking to make a fool of you.

God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry...
If you stick with me

You'll never know.

~ Beth Moore
Praying God's Word.

You need this video. If you are traveling in the valley, now is your moment to see some daylight. If you are walking on the mountain top, you are about to walk on the very summit. Today you will be encouraged, I promise. Eight tiny minutes. It is so very worth it.

PS. YOU are God's original masterpiece! Have a blessed day, Lynn

Lynn is God's original masterpiece!

Our Journeys

Welcome to week four of our Open Forum. We've tackled some tough questions the last three weeks, and though difficult, we are honored to be a part of these discussions and to share in any way we can. This week delves a more into our personal journeys, which we are glad to share in the hopes they uplift and encourage. Lynn and I by no means have all the answers to living in a successful SUM, but we have no doubt that God has called us to share what we've learned thanks to our compassionate and merciful King.

This week's question is from Julianne:

I would love to hear about the growth/changes in your family each of you have seen since your time of starting here. Even though it may not yet be where you hope, what differences have you experienced over time?

Lynn's Answer: Julianne, I appreciate your question. God has been so amazing and His love absolutely transforming that I have too much to say. In order to keep this post shorter, I will add my story on Friday. I pray it honors the Lord Jesus because without Him, I would not have a story to tell nor a wonderful marriage today. See you Friday.

Dineen's Answer: Wow, Julianne, what a great question, girl. I could write an entire book to answer this one, but let's see if I can keep it to a few paragraphs.

If I answer this question based upon the changes I've seen in my husband, I'd have to say nothing has changed. In some ways, our faith differences have become more difficult. But that could be due to all the prayers being said for him and the enemy trying to stop the inevitable. :-)

Yes, I do believe my husband's salvation is inevitable and maybe that's one area of change or growth for me. I've firmly believed in what was spoken to me regarding my husband's salvation for eight years. Though I thought the timing would have been a year ago based upon how I interpreted it, I still believe it will happen.

Since starting to write with Lynn here at SUM, my calling to this ministry has been affirmed over and over again. This in and of itself has made me stronger and firmer in my roll in my marriage and my family, because, ladies and gents, I certainly can't preach it if I ain't livin' it. Right? And Lynn will tell you the same, that our rolls here have opened us up to a lot of spiritual warfare. But we care way too much for those in unequally yoked marriages to do anything but persevere and fight back.

And clearly, we can't do this on our own strength. God has equipped us over and over again. There are times when Lynn and I have talked about reader comments, how to pray for individuals and each other, and will express how awestruck we are that God put us together here. Why us? Why not us?

Being here at SUM put purpose into my journey. And meaning and passion. The saying that you learn more when you teach is so true. In the processing of seeking God in his Word and sharing what I sense him teaching me, I learn. I grow. I prosper. I thrive!

But there are times when it's such a struggle that all I can do is hold on to God. And the past has prepared me for the now. The past struggles and difficulties strengthened me to go through the trial of my daughter's brain tumor. And that experience will strengthen me for whatever else comes down the road.

So in the last three years, I've come to learn to trust God on a much deeper level and to live as authentically as I can. My daughters' faiths have grown and have helped them to see the world honestly (sometimes too honestly), to have compassion, and to think through their choices, especially in their relationships.

And most importantly, we have loved. Through each trial, through each difficulty, I've learned to keep loving, to not give up and walk away. And I'm learning to live in the moment. To enjoy my family and cherish those special times that transcend the hardships and tears. God is teaching me a tenacious belief—the kind you do at all cost. As you can see the changes have been in me, because that's where it had to start and where it will continue if I'm to be God's tool of change in my marriage.
Praying and believing,
Dineen

Weekend Devo — Love God and Love Your Spouse

This weekend's devo is from Purpose Driven Connection by Rick Warren. A great way to look at the two most important commandments...

"'Teacher,' he asked, 'Which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus answered, ''Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself''" (Matthew 22:36-39 TEV).

Any successful marriage is built upon the biblical truth that God designed each of us with five purposes in mind: worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and missions.

I suppose you'd expect a man who's been married over thirty years to a beautiful, intelligent woman to be able to share with you the intimate secrets to having a perfect marriage.

But I'm going to disappoint you! That's because Kay and I don't have a perfect marriage. She is without a doubt my best friend, and we have a wonderful relationship, but as far as a perfect marriage, well, there's no such thing.

What Kay and I do have is a marriage centered on Christ, specifically focused on glorifying God. We remain committed to each other because we remain committed to Christ and his work within us.

Jesus said the greatest commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Then he added, "The second most important commandment is like it: 'Love your [spouse] as you love yourself'" (Matthew 22:37,39 TEV).

In this sense, you worship God when you love and sacrifice for your spouse. That brings pleasure to God, and any time you give pleasure to God, you're worshiping him. Read through Romans 12 with a view of what its applications would mean to your marriage: "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other" (Romans 12:10 NLT).

Dineen here: I love Rick Warren's authenticity in this article, but what I love most is how he shows so clearly that loving our spouse is a commandment. Not always an easy one to keep but always God-honoring. Have a blessed weekend!

Praying and believing,
Dineen

To Be or Not to Be...Unequally Yoked

Hello there and welcome to this week's Open Forum question! Just a note to our readers and commenters...we're are working through your questions in the order that the Holy Spirit leads so please don't think we've overlooked anyone. More than anything our goal is to keep God in the driver seat here at SUM. And please feel free to leave any questions today for future posts. We're here to serve you!

This week's question is from Caroline:

"Thank you for your blog which has been of great insight and inspiration to me. Would you also give some thoughts or advice to someone who is/has been in a deep relationship with someone who is not really a believer, though not yet married to this person. Congratulations on the good work that the Lord has led you both to do. I am a newcomer to the blog and I have been blessed very much these past months from your sharing."

Lynn's Answer: From time-to-time I receive emails from young men and women who are engaged  or in a relationship with an nonbeliever. In fact, just last week an email arrived from - I will call her Jane. Her email was similar to Caroline's question. Jane has given me permission to share my reply.

Oh Jane, My dear sweet friend....

This is a very difficult question to answer. I can only share with you what I have experienced in my life.

For many, years I was unhappy and the loneliness seemed unbearable at times. When you are unequally yoked there is a deep need in you to share your Jesus with your husband. Mine didn't want to have anything to do with Jesus and often made me feel stupid or insecure about my faith. I shed a lot of tears.

With that said, we have now found a peace about my faith and my husband has closed the distance between him and Christ. However, he still remains uncommitted.

Where I think we struggle besides the loneliness is in raising kids. This seems to be a giant area for conflict in a mismatched marriage. With these things in mind, talk with God about your future with your fiancé. Then talk with your fiancé, ask him about how you will handle church - going or not going. How to handle raising the children to have faith... Then let the Lord direct you. If you are getting that weird feeling in your heart or stomach, please listen to it. Living unequally yoked is challenging but can be done and you can be happy. However, it often comes with a high cost. Sometimes it is worth the price and sometimes it is not.

O Lord our God, I hold up Jane before your throne with Jesus at our side. Lord, this is a critical time in this beautiful woman's life. She is desperately in love with you and with her fiancé. God, I know this place and it is hard to hear your voice. Please, Lord, make a clear path for Jane. Lead her to happiness and a long loving relationship with you and with her future spouse. Lord, I pray that if this is the man for Jane you would intervene and save this man for the Kingdom before their marriage. Lord, give Jane wisdom and courage to follow your will for her life. I know you have fantastic plans for Jane. Bigger than she can even dream up right now. Keep her in the very palm of your hand. In Jesus powerful and life-changing name, Amen

Jane, write me anytime. I hope my words here are not too painful but truly helpful to see your way clear to your future. God bless you.

Love and hugs, Lynn

Dineen's Answer: Great question, Caroline. And this is one of the hardest questions we get asked here at SUM. First, let's take a look at the Scriptural reference to the topic:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." — 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (NIV)

Paul takes a very clear stance on this issue. And this applies to all areas—business partners, marriage...people we allow to influence our lives. And there's a good reason for this. Living out our faith in this fallen world is tough enough as it is. Adding an unbelieving influence in our lives creates turmoil and can even lead us away from our faith. God is not calling us to isolate ourselves from unbelievers, otherwise we'd never get to share his grace and mercy. This refers to a relationship where two people are "yoked" by a commitment or contract.

So my answer to you, Caroline, and how I wish I could speak to you in person on this, is to really encourage you to pray for God to show you if this is a relationship you should continue. I certainly would discourage you from moving into a marriage to an unbeliever without doing this first, and exploring the questions (and future issues) Lynn suggested above.

But let me tell you that even if he takes no issue with this aspect of your life now, he could later. I've been married to my husband for 21 years, 13 of them unequally yoked. It's harder NOW than ever. Think about your relationship with God, what your faith means to who and what you are. Consider this carefully. Now think about how you feel when you can't share the essence of who you are or are becoming.

This is the true heartache of a SUM. On a spiritual level there is no connection with that other person. You can't share the moments you see God working in your life, you can't ask the person nearest and dearest to you for godly wisdom, or even to pray for you. In this sense, you wind up alone in the marriage and the relationship. The burden of this need has to fall on Christ, which, to be honest, sometimes lacks flesh, if you know what I mean. You find there's a part of yourself, a very important part, that you just can't share because he doesn't understand and can't comprehend what they don't know. It's as simple as that. There's also a lot of spiritual warfare in this kind of marriage because you, the believer, are on the front lines to an unbeliever. The battle will even overlap onto your children.

This is what I've found to be true in my own marriage. Let me be clear though. I adore my husband. People look at him and how he lives and wonder how he can't be a Christian, but he's not. He's a firm atheist.

Will I love my husband for better or for worse? For richer or poorer? Or in sickeness or in health? You bet I will! I'm totally and completely devoted to this guy, and I praise God for putting us together despite the faith disconnect we experience now. God has used my marriage and my hubby to make me more Christ-like. I've had to walk that path in particular to not only survive but to THRIVE in my marriage. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work, a lot of heartache, and a whole lot of prayers. (Our two girls are firm believers and pray for their dad too.)

Most importantly, Caroline, be obedient to God. Lynn and I can't tell you what to do. We can only share our own experiences with you and what we've learned. And if anything, we've come to learn that first and foremost, obedience to God is the key. No matter what situation you're in.

I hope this helps. My prayer is that our words are received with the intentions behind them, to speak the truth in love. Not to judge or condemn in any way.

Praying and believing, Dineen

What kind of people are you?

"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." — Luke 8:11-15 (NIV)

Last Friday I read Luke 8: 11-15. God kept me in verse 12 for two days. Specifically this part: "so that they may not believe and be saved." When God holds me in one place, I know he's revealing something to me, but this one was very subtle and definitely referred to my sweet hubby.

By Saturday, I understood that God was showing me what kind of "people" my guy was. He'd heard the Word as a child and a teenager, the seeds had been scattered on his path, but somewhere along the line, the enemy came and snatched them away.

What fascinates me is how the following verses describe four kinds of people. (Special thanks to my Life Application Bible for more understanding as well.)

Path people: Like my husband, these are the ones who never benefit from the seeds taking root. The seeds never had a chance to take root, because the enemy swooped in and plucked them up like a hungry bird devouring everything in sight.

Rock people: These are the people who whose seeds start to grow, but the trials of life uproot them. Since they never had a firm foundation of soil (commitment, trust and obedience), these seeds never had a chance to survive this kind of testing. The poor little guys have a brief burst of growth, and then the first wind or storm to come along takes them out.

Thorn patch people: The worries, riches and pleasures of the world choke out the seeds in these people. The seeds start to grow, but all those thorns steal the stuff they need to grow—sunlight, nutrients, oxygen. Without these necessary sustainers, life (joy, peace, faith) simply dies out.

Good soil people: These are the people who truly produce fruit. Their foundation of soil is fertile and ready. The seeds scattered here take deep root and keep producing over and over again. And because of that establishment (faith), they persevere through all weather conditions.

So in summary, you can look at it this way:

Path people—the enemy steals the seeds
Rock people—trials stunt or stop growth
Thorn patch people—stuck in the world
Good soil people—produces fruit

By Sunday I understood the why of what God showed me—how to pray for my husband. I could see his unbelief in a new light, and pray for any of those lingering seeds hidden in a nook or cranny to take root. That even snippets of Scripture would come back as evidence of God's presence and pursuit of him.

No matter how our loved ones got to where they are, we know we are to persevere in prayer. But sometimes knowing the cause can help us know how to fight and pray.

What kind of "person" is your unbelieving spouse or loved one? What kind of "person" are you?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Fortune Cookie Faith

Believe it or not, God definitely has a sense of humor. He knows how bad I am about second guessing myself. I believe he will use whatever he wants to get through my thick skull.

Even a fortune cookie.

In early 1999, my family moved to Europe. The weeks and months before were fraught with doubts. Did God really want us to make such a tremendous change? Had I misunderstood? A couple weeks before as we sat finishing a meal at a Chinese restaurant, I opened my fortune cookie and read "you will soon undertake a great trip." Or something like that. I laughed. Too cute.

Three and half years later, we sat in another Chinese restaurant in Zürich, anticipating our upcoming move back to the States. I opened my cookie and about choked. "You will soon cross great waters to go to a land of sunshine." California, here we come!

Again I laughed but wondered if perhaps God was using such a silly thing to reassure me I was right on track. I mean, why not? He definitely caught my attention.

Now I will be the first to admit fortune cookies are just fun, silly little things that most of the time make no sense whatsoever. But how often do we live our faith, depending on those little messages from God to bring us from one place to another?

Granted, I love these messages from God. They remind me of how much he really loves me, and that he's always there. There's nothing wrong with that. The danger here is when we become like monkeys swinging from vine to vine, dependent upon the next to get us where we need to be or go in God's will.

Look at these love messages as the extra benefits to keeping a daily discipline of feasting on God's Word, praying and spending time with him. Knowing God is the best way to be sure you're going the right direction.

Then these little messages, or fortunes if you will, remain what they were intended to be. Dessert.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Sacrificial Love

As Lynn mentioned yesterday, we started The Love Dare (by Stephen and Alex Kendrick) at 1Peter3Living. If you feel led to do this book, I encourage you to do it either on your own or with us at 1Peter3Living. Already, God is opening doors and sending a clear message that He intends to use this book in a mighty way in many unequally yoked marriages.

Right off the start an integral theme of sacrificial love is very apparent. And necessary. I believe there is no greater refiner than marriage to bring us to the point of "losing our life" as Christ speaks of in Luke 17:33 (see also Matthew 10:39, Mark 8:35 and John 12:25).

God is calling us to quit living for ourselves, to quit putting ourselves and our own needs in first place, to give up our rights for the benefit of someone else.

That's sacrificial love.

And for marriage to work, that's what it takes. Are you willing to give up your right to be right? Are you willing to give up your right to self-justification in exchange for Godly justification? Are you willing to let go of the pain of the past in order to find hope again, and a future based in love? Are you willing to run the race to the end so that you can stand in front of Christ and hear "well done my good and faithful servant?"

Jesus is our greatest example of sacrificial love. He set aside his needs, wants, and desires to save us. He set aside his life, literally. He did it for us.

I believe God is calling us, as unequally yoked spouses, to make this step toward sacrificial love not just for our spouses sake, but in obedience to Him. It's a tall calling, one I believe we are worthy of. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:15–17:

God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.

Mordecai asked Esther, "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

We've been called to a mission of sacrificial love in such a time as this. And It's not about us.

It's about God.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Risk an Affair?

by: Amy Forbes

 

I'm currently reading a book by Jerry B. Jenkins called "Hedges - loving your marriage enough to protect it". Having personally been in the position where I've had to step back from a friendship with a member of the opposite sex I found this book to be easy to read, intriguing and convicting with simple examples and ideas to help me to step back.

 

The first chapter discusses two couples. The husband (John) of the first marriage works with the wife (Sue) in the second marriage. All four are friends but when John and Sue are away on a business conference they make the step to take things a step further and end up committing adultery.

 

The author likens this to the bible story of David and Bathsheba (who was married to Uriah):

• While David's army was away at war he stayed in Jerusalem. One night when he couldn't' sleep he wandered around the terrace on his roof when he saw Bathsheba bathing through a window of her private residence. He saw her beauty and instead of turning around the seed of lust was planted in his heart.
• He took it a step further and sent his servants to find out more about her. They answered that she was married to Uriah.
• David took it another step further and requested her presence and they ended up sleeping together.
• But it didn't end there, David was so enamored with Bathsheba that he sent her husband Uriah to be placed on the front lines of the battle and it was there that he was killed.

The saying "it takes two to tango" is a universal cliché. What David saw that starry night on his roof was the beginning of sin not just against God but against Bathsheba and her husband. It took Nathan the prophet to point out to David what he'd done and it was only then that David recognized his sin and was willing to make amends.

 

Ask yourself; are you like David and Bathsheba or John and Sue? Are you in danger of taking a friendship with the opposite sex further than it should? Jerry Jenkins in this book gives some worthy biblical ideas of how to put hedges around your marriage and protect it. In my next post I'll share what he suggests and give an example how I recently had to apply them to my own marriage

Amy is a born again Christian and a former wicca (story for another day). She is married with three children and lives in a small town in New Zealand. She works part-time developing websites. Amy is a frequent guest writer at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. She is faithful to share how God has worked in her life, her husband's life and in their marriage. You can find Amy at her personal blog, Home With Amy and I Love Vintage Things.

God’s Umbrella

One morning an interesting thought struck me. All our trials and sufferings fall under the umbrella of God’s protection, but beneath that covering they diverge into two areas: consequences and circumstances.

Consequences are the result of our poor choices. Sometime we just make mistakes. It’s inevitable. Sometimes God allows us to experience them in order to learn from our mistake so that we can make better choices next time. We don’t like being in this place, but we learn and grow. And our character is strengthened.

Circumstances describes those events that upon first glance seem to come out of the blue and can even seem unfair (think of Job). We did not cause the difficult situation by making poor choices and we have little to no control over it. They just happen. God allows these times to mold us, to teach us vital understanding, emotions, and spiritual lessons, which He will call upon in the future. This is when massive connections are forged between past, present, and future. These are the experiences that God often uses to minister to others and bring comfort  (see 2Cor. 1).

Both sides converge together in a metaphorical handle in the shape of obedience and trust. In the middle (at the shaft) both feel the same to us, and sometimes we are unsure which side we are on. Spending time with God and in his Word is even more vital at these times.

In the end, the results are the same no matter which side we’re on, and we’ll inevitably be on both sides at various times. But we have the promise that God works for our good regardless of whether the situation is due to consequences or circumstances (Romans 8:28). We can choose to stay under the umbrella and learn what God is teaching, or stray and get extremely wet, downtrodden, and lost.

So if you’re in the rain, run back under God’s umbrella. It’s the best place to find God’s grace, mercy, and unconditional love.

Praying and believing,
Dineen