Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Weekend Devo—Finding God in the Little Things

Amazing how the littlest word or gesture can go a long way. I'm going on a mini retreat next week with two friends from church. We've tired to plan this for several years and finally found a way to work it out. Tahoe here we come!

But what's so funny to me is that I'm more excited about two little bracelets I found for these two dear women who have meant so much to me over the last six years.

The bracelet in the picture is the one I got for myself. It says Hope, Faith, and Love with hearts, crosses, and ichthuses in between the words. The other two have Bible verses on them, which will have special meaning for my friends. They've both had to deal with a lot over the last year, and God has shown his faithfulness over and over again.

It's these little things that can sometimes carry us through the trials of life. I've learned to recognize even the smallest of moments as a blessing from God. Laughter has come to mean so much to me and my family these last nine months.

 How about you? What little things or memories bring to mind God's love and faithfulness? And how can we bring these moments to those around us during difficult times?

A special word of encouragement, a hug, a wagging dog's tail. God's in it all.

HAPPY 4TH!!!
Hope you have a blessed day full of these special moments.
Dineen

Let’s Talk, Part 2

Last week we had a great discussion about communication. Lots of great comments and input. Let me see if I can summarize some of what was shared.

Talking: The true key to communication, although we do communicate with our body language and tone of voice, but we’ll leave that to another post. Kathleen gave us a good example of how she tried to meet her husband on his terms and interests. And based upon what she said, her efforts were rewarded. Her husband encouraged her. The point here is she took the time to find a way to involve herself in something her husband liked to do, therefore opening more opportunities for them to communicate and share. (Guess I’ll give disc golf another shot. Stay tuned for more on that one!)

Choices: Part of the underlying thread of communication is the choice to participate and even choose an activity conducive to talking. Having dinner instead of a movie. Taking a walk together for exercise instead of going to the gym and then going different directions. Or even doing activities in the same room—reading, like Gretchen’s example—but still keeping physical contact (there’s that body language again…) and being open to share and talk when the mood hits. Just be sure to pick an activity in which you and your spouse won’t mind interruptions. Kathryn made a great suggestion of having a regular date night. Here’s an opportunity to get creative in the planning and even challenge one another to try new things. Let’s admit it, part of the battle is falling into old routines that leave one or both spouses dissatisfied.

Part of this also applies to the situation like our anonymous friend shared. Yes, we want to reach out to our unbelieving spouses and find common ground, but we can’t compromise to sin in order to do it. God would never ask that of us anyway. Perhaps in anonymous’ case, the family could work together to find appropriate shows and movies they can watch together, and leave a clear boundary that he’s on his own when she and her son find the content offensive. Their actions will continue to speak volumes.

Setting Aside Agendas: With this comes Amber’s excellent point. Humility. If we can go into our effort to connect with our spouses with humility, with our own agendas set aside, perhaps we can reach them in new ways. Sure, it may mean doing something like wading through burrs and dry grass to find a Frisbee disc on a hot day, but am I willing to put aside my discomfort and make the point of the activity—to spend time together—the focus?

Rob gave us a reverse scenario of this one. He found something he felt would be interesting to both him and his wife. And not only that, it turned into an opportunity for him to share his faith. His persistence paid off.

Prayer: At the risk of sounding like a broken record, let’s pray and ask God to show us new ways to communicate with our spouses. When we’ve tried everything and have basically moved on to live separate lives for the most part as Grammy shared with us, I still believe God can break these barriers in ways we can’t even imagine. So yes, when we are in a difficult marriage, we should continue to grow and pursue our own interests, but we shouldn’t give up on our difficult spouses, nor throw that valuable respect Tamara talked about out the window. Nor should we keep ourselves stagnant just to make our spouse happy. The enemy would love nothing better. When we can’t seem to make any ground in these situations, God can. And we can too through his guiding hand and strength. (Phil. 4:13)

So, let's keep sharing new ways to communicate with our spouses. And if you see me on the disc golf range, be sure to wave hello. I’ll be the one picking burrs out of my socks.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Attending Church AloneChurch or no-Church

Things often play out very strange.

I am going to share a story with you. I am still trying to process the circumstances of the past two weeks looking for the hand-print of God in this. I would be interested to know if any of you have experienced what I experienced and how you processed it.

 _____

One of the most consistent Google searches which bring new readers to Spiritually Unequal Marriage is this: Attending Church Alone.

I am not surprised by this. For many years, going to church alone was an enormous obstacle for me. Our society is after all, structured primarily around couples. Ever been to the amusement park? Two chairs together on the roller coaster. What about going to the movie theater alone? Shudder!

And finally, church. Organized religion, for the most part, revolves around couples – families. I am not condemning this truth only pointing out that the typical church centers around husbands AND wives. Church leadership doesn’t intend to isolate singles. After all look at the many thriving singles programs churches offer.

However, being married and single is a category most churches can’t even begin to comprehend. With this said, the reality of attending church alone is excruciating. Many Sundays, I would sit down in the sanctuary by myself. Soon a cute couple would shuffle down the row in front of me. I always seemed to notice they were holding hands. Then they would sit directly in front of me thus making it impossible for me to ignore them. And finally they would shoot each other a dazzling, I-am-in-love-with-you-and-so-glad-to-be-in-church-with-you, smile.

Pain.

I’m not saying anything is wrong with this scenario. In fact, it is very right. But for me……. my heart could be wrenched right out of my chest. The pastor’s message would become lost as his words floated above me, indistinguishable because I was lost in a turbulent sea of unfulfilled longing which threatened to completely swallow me up. Anyone relate?

So now let me put a twist on this scenario. It’s utterly strange to me as I contemplate what I am going to share.

In the recent months since my husband's unemployment, he has attended church with me sporadically. Elated just doesn’t describe how excited I felt over this change in our relationship in early January. Every unbelieving spouse, hopes –dreams- about this day. We think, finally, he will hear the truth spoken and because it is delivered by someone other than me, perhaps the Holy Spirit will finally breakthrough to him.

A desperation prayer is then quickly uttered. “O Lord, please, please, let this be the day he is baptized.”

Well, I am still waiting. And in recent weeks, a new phenomenon has emerged into our intricate church attendance drama.

ME.

Recently when my husband chooses to attend church, I faced some unexpected and baffling scenarios. The night or morning before church, my husband would launch into complaints. “The music's too loud. It is a waste of time. Why do we stand through the long singing time? All the men that I observe in church just aren’t’ into it, so why do we sing? And, why is church so long anyway? An hour is enough.”

At first I would answer these questions. “Popular Christian music isn’t like the old hymns. Younger people like it louder and more energetic. So do I.”

“We stand because we honor God as we stand to our feet and from my perspective the singing (worship) isn’t long enough.”

“Many, many people including men really, honestly, like the music.”

And I just leave the whole length-of-the-service thing completely alone. If you love Jesus, you like to be there. If you don’t…….

In addition to these complaints, he would use body language to display his displeasure during the service once we arrive. And if I am brutally honest, I found myself in silent tears as I observed the hostility in him while I stood at his side in church on random Sundays. Because of these verbal and nonverbal complaints, the once-a week- worship and reconnection which I desperately needed was subtly stolen from me. It was just too much for me to ignore.

It seems last week I couldn’t take anymore. It was Father’s Day. He complained about getting up early. “I am not going to rush to get ready. We will get there when we get there” he said as he stepped into the shower.

My disappointment mounted. I LOVE TO WORSHIP. The music can absolutely revive my heart.

We walked into the church that morning and the music was loud but not piercing. He immediately mumbled some caustic remark to me. Girls and Men…. I just snapped. “You do not need to be here. I don’t want you to come to church just to make me happy. I no longer want you here if you don’t desire to be here so please leave right now and I will get a ride home.”

I stared straight into his face with an intensity that could have bored holes through his head. At the moment, I wish they would have. Not kidding!

_____

~This post has gone long but I have so much more of the story to tell. It's already written and I will meet you again here on Friday, July 3rd for the conclusion as well as a question for you. Please come back. Also, today give me your thoughts and share your experiences about church or no-church. Be Blessed, Lynn

Faithful God by Rosheeda Lee

This has been one of those seasons in my life where I just don’t get it. ‘Rosheeda quit.’

Not knowing how I was supposed to live, I quit.

My man… ‘Walk Away.’ In love and absolutely miserable without him, I walked away.

‘Rosheeda, go back.’

‘Lord, seriously. Four months ago You told me to leave. ‘

‘Rosheeda, go back. He is My Will.’

‘But Lord…’

‘Trust Me. Because of his love for you, he will learn to love Me.’

Unsure and all, I made that phone call the very next day… Three years later, he is still my man, we are more in love than ever before and marriage is just around the corner. God has done what He promised and more. I look at my man and I see God’s love for me. I look into his eyes and I sense a growing love for my Jesus. He’s no longer content w/salvation. He’s growing and learning to pursue sanctification…

Looking for a job

‘Lord I need a job.’

‘I am He who supplies all your needs.’

‘Wait on Me.’

‘In My time I will provide the job I have for you. Wait.’

… and so. For months I waited. And in the process lost all that I owned. My car. My apartment. And all my belongings. I don’t even have pictures. All I have is what I took back with me to my parents’ home. Literally.

‘Rosheeda go look at houses.’

‘And buy one with what, exactly? Since I have no job.’

‘Do as I say.’

... and off to look at houses, I go. I see one that I like. The man there is the owner and they are working. On the 4th of July 2007. We make plans to talk and to get together to finalize this house. I cannot buy it, but he will lease it to me and let me purchase at the end of the lease. I go to his office to finalize this transaction and HE OFFERS ME A JOB – ON THE SPOT. The house … didn’t pan out. The job… I’ve been here almost two years…

He has been faithful to provide, when I didn’t have anything to eat or any way to go buy groceries.

He has been faithful to protect me when emotionally I was ready to just give up on life.

He has been faithful to comfort me when people have disappointed me.

He has been faithful to be my shelter, my refuge, my strong tower in the time of trouble.

And the list goes on.

I cannot say that God has been a genie in a bottle for me. I cannot tell you that He has done all I thought He would do, just like I thought He should do it. But what I CAN say is that He has done exactly what He said He would do.

I wish I could tell you that God has given me all I lost back and then some, but that hasn’t happened just yet… In some ways, I’m still waiting; but I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has been faithful to me.

It is not in the prosperous place that you learn what that means, but in the dark places. Because it is only in those places that you recognize your absolute frailty and need of Him. You realize that but by His Hand, you’d be utterly lost.

And the real beauty is that I’ve gotten to know Him better through all the hard places. He and I, we have a special relationship and I know that I can trust Him like I trust my best friend- except more. He is who He says. All the promises of His heart, all the promises of His word, He will honor. He wants nothing more than to show off for you. He delights in us. It is His pleasure to be known intimately and to love (and be loved) extravagantly.

His faithfulness is a promise to us. He’s faithful whether we are or not. Not because He HAS to be, but because He WANTS to be. Just because He loves you. If you will get to know His love, you will also know His faithful heart. Pursue it. Chase it down. I promise, when you discover how beautiful it is, you will never be the same.

Guest writer, Rosheeda Lee, is 31 years old and reside in Duncanville, Texas. She is employed at a real-estate development company as an Office Manager. In addition, she serves on the Board of Directors for a fledgling non-profit. Rosheeda attends Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship, a non-denominational church in Dallas, Texas. Currently she is not yet married, but will be soon to the man she knows God has created specifically for her and she will be mother to two exceptional young men.

Rosheeda is also active as part of leadership for our youth choir. She says “The Lord has really begun to cultivate in me a heart and a passion for women and relationships. It is my desire to eventually write and share with other women the beauty of the hearts God has given specifically to us.”

You can find Rosheeda at her personal blog, Beauty for Ashes. Her life verse: 1 Peter 1:8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

Thank you, Rosheeda, for sharing your heart here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. God bless, Lynn

Weekend Devotion — How can they believe?

"But since you do not believe what he wrote, how are you going to believe what I say?" — John 5:47

Oddly, reading this gave me great comfort recently. In Jesus' words, I hear my own dilemma with my spouse. Since he doesn't believe in God or the Bible as his Word, how can he believe what I say when I share my faith?

Perhaps herein lies the truth of "actions speak louder than words." Regardless, my spirit is comforted in knowing Jesus understands because he lived it too.

This reassurance spurs me on to keep persevering in my marriage, to keep believing God is working even when I see nothing change. Jesus continued to do what his Father sent him to accomplish, even when those he was sent to save rejected him.

With Christ as our example, we can draw strength and courage to persevere, because he showed us the way.

May God bless you richly this Memorial Day weekend with much love and joy with your families.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Thriving Despite

Your hope is that God will give you the wisdom, courage, and strength to defeat the enemy’s attempts to corrupt your heart so you can remain alive and passionate. With a thriving heart you will be able to live vibrantly and allow God to offer a powerful love through you to whomever He puts in your path, especially your spouse. The result is that God will be honored and life will be immensely fulfilling.

The description above is an excerpt from the book, Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage. To read the first part of this series of posts go here.

The goal of this book is not to offer another strategy to get your spouse’s attention or to find the way to successfully heal your marriage. But someone who commits to thriving despite will be in the best position to have a strong marriage. A thriving person is willing to accept who the spouse really is without an agenda to change the partner. Thriving people are prepared to accept that certain things may never happen in their marriage and to grieve the loss. By accepting and grieving the loss of things that will not happen or are not possible, a person becomes free to focus on what is possible in the marriage.

So as we work through this series, I feel a tugging on my heart to go down two roads. One road is what we do when our spouse is unable, unwilling to change –this is the thriving despite model. I know there are many of you living your days in a marriage where you have done everything possible to create a change in your spouse. You have read books, been to counseling, taken courses, and prayed the roof off of your home but you have come to the conclusion things will not change. There is hope for you.

I also believe that many of our spouses can change and are willing to change under the right motivations and circumstances. I believe we need to spend some time looking at our responsibility in the relationship with regard to maturity in both our spouse and ourselves. There is hope for you.

For a few weeks I am going to dedicate posts to the first scenario. So, like the book, I have a few questions for you.

• What if you believed in God’s love for you so deeply that you were confident you could love strongly and wisely no matter what?

• What if you committed to finding purpose and passion for life that didn’t depend on your spouse’s response or approval?

• What if you had the capacity to accept your spouse as he or she is and have a lifestyle of forgiveness?

If you are reading this post today, God is preparing your for a journey.

This summer, 2009, He is at work to change something. It is likely that what He is desperately working to change is a heart. Could it be the heart of your spouse? Or is it your heart?

Right now, take five minutes and talk with Jesus. Tell Him about your heart, your pain, your disappointment. Ask Him today, to prepare you for this journey in the weeks ahead to see your spouse with His eyes. Ask the Lord to take away all the confusion about your pain. Ask Him the really difficult question, Lord, let me see the truth about my marriage. Let me see where I need to do better as well as my spouse. Ask Him to make this summer the year your entire marriage, your life, is changed for the better.

I believe in a powerful, life-changing God. I believe He can do fantastic work in the hearts of men and women. I believe He is standing at our front door waiting to come in and teach us to thrive in our spiritually unequal marriage.

Be Blessed and have a fantastic week, Lynn

Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage By Michael Misja & Chuck Misja

A New Blog? - Another Year - A New Book

Welcome to my new Blog!

This website is dedicated to our Lord and to men and women who live every day in a spiritually mismatched marriage. It is my prayer that this forum will be the place where Christians can find support, encouragement, and practical resources to thrive in their unequal marriage.

I pray that when you visit this site you will be inspired and offer your own insights into God’s design for a healthy marriage in the midst of different viewpoints.

Wow, I wrote these words exactly three years ago today, May 1, 2006. I wonder, as you have visited over the years have you found these words to be true?

As Dineen and I head into the next year of writing, I pray these words all over again. I am deeply humbled that the Lord has allowed me to share the hope I have in Him and in my marriage.

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. More than that - thanks for being a part of my life. I am a better woman and wife because of your friendship.

With that said, I now want to turn to a subject we have yet to explore here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage.

WHAT IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEVER CHANGES!

I have written about change often. I have shared how Jesus has changed me and how my spouse has changed. However, there are many of us who in a weak moment allow a tiny thought to penetrate our mind…. What if….

What if he never has a change of heart? What if she never finds Christ? What if she never grows up? What if he never really “knows” the real me?

Tough stuff. For a certain number of marriages, these scenarios are reality. I want to visit these questions in the weeks ahead.

I am reading a great book right now, Thriving Despite A Difficult Marriage by Michael Misja, PhD and Chuck Misja, PhD. They are Christian counselors who practice in Akron, Ohio. In many regards what they have written is what I have been sharing here at SUM. You can thrive, you can have hope, and you can live a fulfilling life even in a challenging marriage.

I know that not all of you who visit SUM find yourself in a long marriage today with little hope for change so this topic may not apply. However, the principals in this book offer all of us hope to enjoy living while we are waiting. The book puts forth three models of a difficult marriage. Where do you see your marriage in these descriptions?

The “Happily Ever After” marriage is for personal fulfillment and pleasant circumstances. In the “Nobel Misery” model the hope is that God will provide enough strength to survive the mess. In the “Thriving Despite” model, the concept of hope looks like…..

….. This is the model we will look at. I plan to post about this kind of marriage in the weeks ahead. Stay tuned.

Have a wonderful weekend. Be Blessed, Lynn

Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage By Michael Misja & Chuck Misja

Yellow Pages and a Prayer

I want to welcome everyone who is popping in from A Woman Inspired Conference. Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to stop over here.

During the conference I shared how God used a prayer and the yellow pages to orchestrate the sensational. My husband prayed for salvation with Joe, the contractor, while standing on the driveway in front of our home. I wish I could share a photo with you. The image is burned in my mind.

After Joe, the contractor left our home my head was reeling… Did what I just witness really happen? I needed time to process it all. Girls, I processed all night long. I couldn’t sleep and I prayed like crazy.

The next morning arrived and I tentatively approached my man and asked, “What really happened to you out there yesterday?”

My husband told me he was taken off-guard by the impromptu prayer meetin'. He said he was not ready to make that commitment.

Now this is where I tell you I am okay. I wasn't devastated to hear this from my husband. I have a peace about it. God has been teaching me a lot about trusting Him.

Following this short conversation we then began to talk about our old dog. He was very ill at the time and we were struggling with certain decisions that were before us.

During this conversation my husband says to me, "I prayed and asked God about what to do."

I said, "What?"

He tells me in a matter of fact way, "I talk to God."

"You do?" I am shocked.

"I talk to God but not like you. I don't write things down."

I say, "Honey, could you be closer than I think?"

He says, "yes."

Girls, I am along for the ride, just taking in the moment. I am leaning on our Savior and blessed by watching God work in our home. My husband is not there yet but he is still on the journey. It is a very long journey (years and years for those of you who need encouragement, hang in there). I am patient and will wait.

I will wait along with you and I will NEVER STOP PRAYING FOR THIS MAN.

Have an amazing day and I pray the full impact of Easter overwhelms you with joy today.

I want to thank the organizers of A Woman Inspired for allowing me to honor Jesus through sharing the miracles He has done in our lives. Be Blessed, Lynn

Also, please say hello to the co-writer here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage, Dineen Miller. Today she is sharing a devotion at Laced With Grace.

Most Unusual Birthday Gift

I remember a chat I had with Rebecca Saville, Psychologist and contributor here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage, several moths ago. We were talking about men and women and about how we view change in our marriage relationship in very different ways. She said this:

A woman marries a man thinking she can change him.

A man marries a woman thinking she will never change.

-They’re both wrong.

Most of us learn the reality of this truth the hard way. I know I did.

I write frequently about change and releasing unrealistic expectations. Most of you know my personal story and how my marriage changed when I allowed Jesus to change me first.

However changing doesn't always have to be about us. It is not wrong to want our spouse to change in some areas, especially to have a heart-change and become a believer. There are opportunities where we can gently “coach” our mate.

I want to share a story with you about one of my good friends who created real change in her marriage.

 _____

He worked long and crazy hours, traveling in a large metropolitan area to different job sites. His day-planner included numerous appointments and some socializing which often took him over an hour’s travel away from home on busy California freeways. His job required him to work frequently after the dinner hour.

In his haste to meet with clients and get everything done in the day, he didn’t come through the door until after she was almost frantic with worry. As the hours between 5 p.m. and when he arrived home ticked away, she worried about an accident on the job site or possibly on the freeway. She rarely knew when to expect him home for dinner. He never thought to call her to release her from worry and give her a time when he might arrive home. She could rarely reach him by phone to still her fretting.

They argued about the situation frequently. Promises were made but were later broken and the cycle went on like this for a while.

They both loved each other deeply but this one area of contention between them began to grow bitterness. She was angry he never called to say when he would be home. He was angry she didn’t trust him and felt he didn’t need to check in like a child.

One day on her birthday as they sat over a wonderful candle light dinner, she gently yet firmly explained her hurt. Then she said to him, “I want a phone call for my birthday. The only thing, the best gift you could ever give me, is a phone call by five o’clock.”

He gave her this gift. The best and easiest gift he had ever given her.

Since that day he telephones every day at five and to her delight and further still, he also calls her during lunch just to check in and say, “Hi, I love you.”

______

Would you be willing to give up a new sweater or earrings? Could you ask for a similar gift like this for your birthday, Mother’s Day or Christmas?

As you consider what gift you might ask of your spouse, be very careful that your request is simple and doable. Make sure your gift request is not manipulative or motivated out of spite or sheer selfishness. Consider carefully, prayerfully how your spouse would consider your request and is it something that truly is worth this rare opportunity.

Be Blessed, Lynn

Fortune Cookie Faith

Believe it or not, God definitely has a sense of humor. He knows how bad I am about second guessing myself. I believe he will use whatever he wants to get through my thick skull.

Even a fortune cookie.

In early 1999, my family moved to Europe. The weeks and months before were fraught with doubts. Did God really want us to make such a tremendous change? Had I misunderstood? A couple weeks before as we sat finishing a meal at a Chinese restaurant, I opened my fortune cookie and read "you will soon undertake a great trip." Or something like that. I laughed. Too cute.

Three and half years later, we sat in another Chinese restaurant in Zürich, anticipating our upcoming move back to the States. I opened my cookie and about choked. "You will soon cross great waters to go to a land of sunshine." California, here we come!

Again I laughed but wondered if perhaps God was using such a silly thing to reassure me I was right on track. I mean, why not? He definitely caught my attention.

Now I will be the first to admit fortune cookies are just fun, silly little things that most of the time make no sense whatsoever. But how often do we live our faith, depending on those little messages from God to bring us from one place to another?

Granted, I love these messages from God. They remind me of how much he really loves me, and that he's always there. There's nothing wrong with that. The danger here is when we become like monkeys swinging from vine to vine, dependent upon the next to get us where we need to be or go in God's will.

Look at these love messages as the extra benefits to keeping a daily discipline of feasting on God's Word, praying and spending time with him. Knowing God is the best way to be sure you're going the right direction.

Then these little messages, or fortunes if you will, remain what they were intended to be. Dessert.

Praying and believing,
Dineen