Thankful Thursday -

Let us give thanks. It is Thankful Thursday.

This month we are spending the HOT month of July here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. Next month we will meet up with Laurie of Women Taking A Stand and in September we will share our thanks with Iris of Grace Alone. 

Hi Everyone. So glad you joined me to give praise and thanksgiving to our Lord. 

I have so many things to be thankful as we start the second half of 2010. SAY WHAT?  Half the year has rushed passed already. Whoa!

I must pause on this July 1st to give thanks for the privileges of living in America. As we celebrate our 234th birthday, I do pause to ask all of you to pray along with me for this nation, it's leaders and especially the people and animals affected by the Gulf oil spill.

On another note, I want to share one of my favorite people with you. Okay, he's not a people but he thinks he is.

 

This is Peanut.

Believe it or not, I learn a great deal about unconditional love and loyalty from this mutt. I also see so many parallels in living for the Lord as this little pup lives for the joy of our family.

Peanut was born a happy, playful and pretty much a giddy little dog. He was sweet and curious and always up for adventure. He would prance around the kitchen when he received a dog bone and he would race to the front door when it was time for a walk.

But..... life happened to Peanut.

Early in his life he slipped away from the safety of our home late at night. He was met, we think, by one or two coyotes who were looking for a meal. I don't know how he escaped but he limped home, torn, bleeding and full of fear.

Five days later I visited Peanut at the veterinarian hospital and the vet pronounced, "I think Peanut has decided to live."

Whew! We took the little guy home. But that's not all. 

He tore his foot open at the park. Another vet visit

He was jumped by a big dog on a walk. Gash in the side, Another visit to the all night animal hospital

Seizure. Another late night to the Animal hospital. Etc.

I have spent more money on this dogs injuries than all of my other pets I have own my entire life combined. There is a brand spankin' new addition to the vet's office that is named after the Donovans *grin*.

Sheesh!                                                              

The many traumas this little guy has experienced has changed my dog. He is often frightened. Won't go outside for long. He trembles over any loud noise and is jumpy and hesitant. I've watched as fear has taken up residence and squashed his once adventurous spirit. 

He has learned the hard way, much like we do, that we live in a dangerous world at times. He has also learned that under our protection he is safe well cared for and receives enormous amounts of pets on the back each evening.

I think about the times I ran away from the Lord during my prodigal years. How I encountered danger and struggle. Those dark years were often scary and uncertain. I made bad choices and today, bare the consequences of my actions. There were wolves disguised in sheep's clothing waiting to tear my heart apart......

However, I returned home.

My Lord doctored me up. Invested enormous amounts of love and care into my healing. His Son paid a heavy price to have a mansion built for me. 

So, as I look down at my little Peanut tonight and smile at him with love and stroke his back to give him comfort and security, my big imagination comes to life. I see my Lord, reaching down with a gentle smile, a hand of comfort and a heart of grace as he gently speaks soothing words to the broken places in my soul.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 

I read this passage this morning as my dog sat with my on the couch during my quiet time. Tears flooded my eyes. He indeed, heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

and..... those of little dogs as well.  

Be blessed, Lynn

What are you thankful for. Write your Thankful Thursday post, then link up here, visit a few of the others and mostly offer praise for the Lord is good and He is faithful. Hugs, Lynn

Pursuing Salvation

The other night I sat with a friend in a coffee shop as we swapped the latest details of our lives. I shared with her about my father’s funeral, which led to me telling her about a conversation I recently had with my husband.

I asked him this question years ago, but since my father’s death, the need to ask again had suddenly presented itself. Did he still believe when he died, that was it? He just ceased to exist. He said yes. Then I asked what if at the end, he finds out he’s wrong?

His answer continues to make me fearful for him. He said he’d deal with it. I expressed my concern over this and what it really means. And I shared my heart. I didn’t want to think about him not being in heaven. I told him I wanted him there with me.

But for him this is foolishness. God doesn’t exist, therefore, worrying over something nonexistent makes no sense to him.

I shared this with my friend, and she brought up the Scriptures below and her suspicion that there might be a clue to be found. I took up her challenge.

^15-16But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

¹⁷Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. — 1Cor. 7:16-17

All through the Psalms, the writers call out to God to save them. The Hebrew form of the word “save” predominantly used is yasha` which means to be delivered, to be saved (in battle), be victorious, and even is used in terms of saving from moral troubles.

In the New Testament, when the disciples and others call to Christ to save them, the Greek word used for save is sōzō and means to save, keep safe and sound, to rescue from danger or destruction. When used in reference to a person it goes further to mean to save from suffering (from perishing), from disease, to make well, heal, and restore health. The technical biblical sense of the word tenders upon the penalties of Messianic judgment and “to save from the evils which obstruct the reception of the Messianic deliverance.”*

The one used in 1Cor. 7:15-17 is sōzō. As I read its meanings, a thought crossed my mind. We know we can’t save our unbelieving spouses. We don’t hold that power, nor the authority. We are called to pray for them according to God’s will. But what if our roll as Christ’s representatives played a deeper role than we’ve considered. What if we were to view ourselves as an element of healing in our spouses’ spiritual lives and this is our calling?

Take a look at these verses as translated in The Message:

^15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.

¹⁷And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. (my emphasis) Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

The line I emphasized says it all, doesn’t it? What is God calling you to do in your marriage?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

*Greek and Hebrew definitions researched at www.blueletterbible.org.

A Marriage Delivered from the Pit of Hell!

This is a day of great rejoicing and celebration. 

When I first started chatting with Deb, she was living in shall I say, a "difficult marriage." I watched and prayed over the months for her and her husband. There was a point where even me, the believer in marriage and the one person who believes any marriage can be restored, doubted this marriage could be healed.

Oh Praise be to Jesus because in our doubt, struggle and sometimes, hell on earth, Jesus can heal a marriage. Today it is my great privilege to share my friend Deborah with all of you. Many of you know her from our loop at 1Peter3Living on Yahoo. Many of you held her in prayer. THANK YOU. 

Already, at a young age of 26, she has lived through a marriage she never imagined could happen to her yet she discovered triumph through the power of Jesus Christ. Although her marriage story is still relatively new, it should be a story that encourages all of us to believe and to pray.

So now, I give you Deb. This story is worth the read. Be blessed, Lynn 

*****

First of all I want to say how privileged I am to be able to share my story on Spiritually Unequal Marriage. I never envisioned myself in this position, mainly because the struggles I have experienced over the last three years seemed unending and at times hopeless, but wonder of wonders, here I am to tell the tale and rejoice over what God has done. 

For all of you who haven't met me yet, my name is Deb and I have been married to my husband for almost three years. There were doubts in more than one quarter if we would ever make it to one year let alone three, but that would be jumping ahead of the story. : ) 

Following our four year engagement, (we weathered two and a half of those years apart in different countries) and subsequent wedding on September 2007, it was only three months later that I found myself Googling 'loneliness in marriage' in the hopes of finding help for my newfound struggles. This is how I stumbled across Spiritually Unequal Marriage. Through this website God has led me to a place where I have become strengthened and equipped through the prayers and support of people who have now become like family. Your posts and e-mails have kept me sane on the crazy days and grateful on the good days. I’m so thankful to know you. 

To backtrack, my relationship with my spouse had always been characterized by significant ups and downs. I would attribute this partly to our dysfunctional upbringings, partly to our equally intense and opposite personalities, and also to the fact that any marriage, especially one where believers are involved, is a favorite target of Satan. 

When we first met what attracted me most to my husband was his passionate love for Christ. He was absolutely radiant with the light of Jesus and I had never met anyone with whom I clicked so well spiritually. Throughout our engagement however, he had some negative experiences in the church we were attending at the time, and by the time we were married I was more or less holding onto what I had seen rather than what I was seeing regarding his walk with God. Despite this development, I was still fondly hoping that he would soon 'snap out of it', and become the spiritual leader that I had always wanted him to be. I knew that if he would only get it together in the spiritual department we would soon experience marital bliss on a near perfect scale and live out all my dreams together. I say this all with a wry smile, because you may be smiling too at my naiveté. (On a side note, I still very much believe in these dreams, but more on that later.) 

Needless to say, I unwittingly placed such a burden of my expectations for happiness on him, that with his own inability to handle some of his own issues, let alone mine combined, we began having conflict that only heightened as the days and weeks continued. For the first few months he was more or less strong enough to handle my anger and frustration, but it wasn't long before he threw up his hands in defeat and retreated into his shell. His words to me at the time were that I could no longer count on his support, spiritually or emotionally, as a husband or even a friend, and that all he cared to do from then on was find his satisfaction in online gaming. He participated in an online game, EverQuest, often shortened to EQ, which is a 3D fantasy-themed massively multiplayer online role-playing game. You can imagine how crushed I was to discover that everything I had wanted was now beyond reach. What doubled my anguish was the feeling that I was entitled to at least a measure of happiness. 

From the age of three I had dedicated my life to God and since then my best dreams culminated in a desire to serve Him with a husband who wanted the same thing. With that as my foundation, how was it possible that things could have gone so awry? 

For months we coexisted in an extremely tense and hostile environment. With the best I had I tried to cope with the new situation, but each day would find me in tears of despair. I have memories of walking the streets weeping, begging God to intervene. I still remember the nights and early mornings when he wouldn't come to bed but spent all hours of the night and morning gaming in his computer room. I can still recall his dark anger at my attempts to intervene. 

What I secretly hoped was temporary became solidly worse as five hours of gaming stretched into ten and ten into fifteen and my husband's obsession deepened into addiction. The disappointment and bitterness I carried had now become a weight I couldn't bear. At this point I was asking everyone I knew for help and prayer. I was unashamed in my needs, and I know that many of your prayers are what carried me through those initial troubled days. (A quiet thank you again for that.) 

It was only eight months after we married that I left home and took up residence elsewhere. This was decided upon after explaining my situation to pastors and friends who agreed that our situation had become so volatile that it was no longer safe. What I never conceived could happen was now a reality and I was separated from the love of my life and desperate and alone. From that point followed a year and a half period where our relationship fluctuated from okay to ugly and I was barely coping from day to day. 

Looking back it puts a lump in my throat to see how tenderly God cared for me over that time. I was extremely blessed to have an excellent church which gave me a lot of support and help. At every point I needed help, Jesus provided a friend who would send me a letter at just the right time, or a text when I thought I was going over the edge. In every possible way He was saying to me - 'I am watching over you. Don't despair.' 

Of course, being Deb, I did despair, even many times a day, but I also clung to Him like I never had before. This period, for me, was characterized by an intense and painful learning curve. Through it God was revealing to me areas of my life that He wanted to heal and transform. I didn't realize how imbalanced I was in my perceptions and thoughts about marriage, myself and even God. It wasn't until I was separated from Dans that I was able to see how needy and insecure I was and how much I had relied upon him to complete me. I had gotten to the point where I blamed him for all the unhealthy ways I expressed my frustrations and felt that if it wasn't for his lack of spirituality, I would be making better choices. 

God didn’t let me stay there too long however, and my anger with my husband began giving way to acknowledgement that he was not wholly responsible for our marriage breakdown. I began attending regular counseling with my pastor’s wife Connie, who walked me through inner healing and forgiveness. Together we asked God to reveal the root issues as to why I had become co-dependent and why I felt trapped no matter which way I looked. In answer to the most tormenting why question of all - 'why me?' God revealed that sometimes He allows wounds in our life to heal even deeper ones, and this was certainly true in my case. 

What broke my heart most regarding our situation was that my husband had renounced God and cursed Him to his face. I judged him in my heart for this, without realizing that God’s command for us to love our enemies and bless those that curse us (Matt 5:44) means that He also acts according to that same standard of behavior. This means that any of our spouses, no matter if they have never known God, or have known Him and then turned away, are still loved by the Father and blessed regardless. (Matt 5:45) 

About a year into our separation my husband began attending counseling with me which was in itself a huge miracle. He had become so resistant to any kind of help that I wondered if he would ever reach out again. From there we began to dialogue about our differences and slowly came to understand and forgive each other, bit by bit. Even the tiniest steps were huge, as we had so much ground to gain. I think because the progress seemed so slow, months later I was beginning to lose faith again that things would really improve. 

In January this year, however major things started to happen. I believe that as a result of many people's prayer and intercession, he lost the desire to play computer games. For those of you who don't know about gaming, for someone like my husband who played upward of 16 hours almost every day for two years, this is the equivalent to a heroin addict suddenly deciding they don't need the drug anymore. This decision was the catalyst for a completely brand new season for both of us. From that point on we have continued to heal and just two months ago we found a lovely apartment and moved in together! 

Thank you Jesus. 

Even more amazing is the continued newness that we are now experiencing in our relationship. We have actually had times of praying together, sharing our hearts about life and where we stand with God, and are finally discovering the ability to talk over even the toughest of issues without becoming enemies. 

You have to know how hopeless it seemed for two and a half years to grasp the fullness of how amazing this is. I know that we will continue to have our battles, but God has truly done amazing things in my marriage. 

By no means am I intimating that our struggles are over, or even that we have come through everything. In a real sense we are only just starting. What I am saying is that God restored hope where there was none, took us out of a muddy pit and placed our feet on solid ground. 

 I hope this story blesses you as much as I have been blessed to recount it. Through it I have gained a knowing that I never had before: no matter how tough a situation can be God will see us through it stronger than before. 

~Deb

Bio:   Hi I'm Deb. Born of Greek parents in sunny Perth, Australia, I now live and work in the not-so-sunny but gorgeous state of Washington. I met my husband in the Old City of Jerusalem in 2003 while completing the second year of my BA in English and Jewish studies. Following a lengthy four year engagement Dans and I were married in Tulsa Oklahoma on September 2007. I currently work for an airline which provides plenty of drama and 'scope for the imagination. Some of my best loves are traveling, reading classic literature, taking long road trips and eating chocolate.

Weekend Devo — Our Greatest Strength

Hi there! I'm making my video blog debut today! Bear with me as I learn the ropes. :-) Hopefully my "greenness" won't take away from the message. Have a wonderfully blessed weekend with your spouse and stay strong in WHO YOU ARE!
Praying and believing,
Dineen

Here I Go Again..... Where DO We Draw the Line?

I’m in a quandary. 

I have shared with you in past months how comparing our spouse to another spouse is a toxic occupation. For example we try not to notice but can’t help to observe how “Cindy’s” husband (not her real name) is amazingly considerate of her. We watch her husband with the kids and think, "Wow, what a great Dad.”. He opens the door for Cindy after parking the car and they walk toward the worship center holding hands. We know this man stops for flowers every Friday on his way home from work. Etc., etc. etc….. 

And to top it off, the man prays with his wife. 

Boy howdy, that green buzzard of envy takes up residence in our hearts at times. It’s not that we want THAT guy but we sure wish our forgetful and less considerate spouse would take a lesson or two. 

So, here is what’s bugging me. 

Without comparing our marriage to others we wouldn’t know when we are in a dangerous or seriously harmful relationship. Without comparisons, would we know when behaviors are outside the boundaries of a healthy marriage relationship? On the flip side, we need good examples. We need to view other marriages to understand the Biblical model and learn to emulate a Godly marriage. 

However, at what point do we go too far. Where is the danger in comparisons and where is the benefit? Where do we draw the line? Is the line a moving target? 

I ask this question because I don’t know. So, I’m asking you. Where is the balance? Do we dare compare? 

Okay, let me hear your thoughts. This is going to be a great conversation and I will tell you as I hit the publish button, I prayed over this conversation that the Lord would lead us to His truth. 

Be blessed, Lynn PS. 

Will be checking in and joining the conversation.

Thankful Thursday 2 Timothy 1:7

Let us give thanks. It is Thankful Thursday.

This month we are meeting with Iris of Grace Alone. We will meet back here in July.

I'm a tad behind with my Thankful Thursday post and just have a quick moment to share something before I rush out to the courthouse to report for Jury Duty.

Today my mind is drawn to this scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind.

I recall Lysa TerKeurst speaking about this passage a few weeks ago. It still is present in my mind how we must stand of the truths we know and reign in our emotions.

I believe this passage became absolutely real to me in the past several weeks. I am so thankful for the truth of God's Word and it's ever present power in the life of an ordinary woman.

What are you thankful for? 

Be blessed, Lynn

What’s Your Tone?

In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell uses many examples of the ways we make split decisions. Early on in the book he makes reference to Dr. John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen:” defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Gottman says the most important of these and the most destructive is contempt.

As a writer, I’m very much aware of people’s body language. When I write fiction, I like to use these aspects of our communication to bring across a character’s emotional state. Body language says a lot. Most interestingly, I had a chance recently to observe both of these aspects right in a grocery store and the subject of my observation was a married couple.

I walked down an aisle in search of my favorite cereal and passed a couple with a young child in the front of their shopping cart. At first I didn’t pay much attention, but what caught my notice first was the tone in which the wife was speaking to her husband.

Contempt.

Though I couldn’t tell you the subject of their conversation, I cued in quickly on the contempt that defined her tone of communication. We’ve talked a lot here about how important respect is in relationship and another word for contempt is disrespect.

I will tell you I was surprised at the level that I witnessed. I lingered in the aisle, curious to observe this couple for just a moment longer. When I glanced at the husband, I immediately noticed he stood with his hands in his pockets, back slumped and his head down. He didn’t say much either. Often he wasn’t able to because the wife was quick to counter his answer. Again, with contempt.

Sadly, I can say this was me in the early years of my marriage. And I will share that it takes a lot of time to rebuild a relationship from this point and allow the husband to trust his place in the marriage. What I have now is a marriage that is growing and flourishing, a true partnership. Not one trying to impose over the other.

The heart of this attitude is pride I think. That may sting to hear, but I do think it comes from a place where we think we are better than another person. And we know that’s not biblical.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. — Romans 12:3

None of us receive God’s contempt but his grace instead. Truly something to think about.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

False Hope?

 Last Monday many of you tuned in and listened to my video log entitled, Powerful One Sentence Prayer. Thanks for tuning in and listening. I was moved by your many thoughtful and hopeful comments. I believe strongly in the power of prayer. My confidence in Christ is so strong that even though I face a monumental setback with regard to the hope for my husband’s salvation, I will not stop praying. (see Friday’s post for a Chronicles of the Donovan Clan update.) 

One of the comments from last Monday has been on my mind and heart heavily since it was posted. I will tell you I think it has validity and it is a discussion we need to engage as it relates to marriage. 

Below is the comment. Read through it and let me know your thoughts. Let’s have a real conversation about how we navigate a difficult marriage in which this woman speaks. To get a full understanding of her comment, click here and listen to the video log message, then come back and let’s chat. 

Love this blog, Lynn and Dineen. What a beautiful heart you both have. God bless you for helping women like you do. Question: can we really use a prayer like some magical wand we wave over husbands? When do we finally recognize that Christ may call us to endure certain loss in our marriage and let go of expectations? Maybe this question is taking an entirely different direction, but I'd love to hear some responses. As a woman in a marriage with no emotional, spiritual, or sexual needs being met, but a comfortable house and paid utilities, I gave up praying like that twenty years ago. Just to live in peace with this man is the most I can hope for, not because of my lack of faith, but because Jesus has not chosen to change anything about this man. I've been told to divorce him but please don't misunderstand. I don't want to disparage anyone's faith or hope in the Lord to bring about change; God can do whatever He thinks is best for the individual. But I don't give others false hope. The more I pray, the more loss I experience which only shows me the overcoming power of Christ to bring me through the terrible heartache with healing and joy in spite of the pain. Maybe I'm wrong about all this but it seems I've had to let go of all expectations to ever be loved the way I want to be, by my very own husband and don't see or hear anyone talking about this. 

Dineen and I look forward to joining this conversation. We will be checking in and adding some of our thoughts and our experience. I am also greatly interested in any scriptures or prayers you can suggest to us on this subject. 

Thank you for taking time to write something in the comments. I know that there are many readers who never leave comments but they look to our online Christian Community to support and grow their faith. 

BIG hugs, Lynn

Weekend Devo — God Changes Attitudes

 For seven days they celebrated with joy the Feast of Unleavened Bread, because the LORD had filled them with joy by changing the attitude of the king of Assyria, so that he assisted them in the work on the house of God, the God of Israel. — Ezra 6:22 

This story in Ezra 6 is most fascinating. An order by King Darius to search the archives led to the discovery of a decree made by King Cyrus that the temple be rebuilt. Once found, King Darius ordered the Temple be finished. 

As I read this, one thought went through my head. If God can change the attitude of a king (especially self-centered and prideful ones) then… 

God can change the attitude of anyone. 

God can change the heart of anyone. 

God can change unbelief to belief in anyone. 

Let’s praise God for being stronger than anything we face, including our spouse’s unbelief. And let’s BELIEVE this kind of change is possible in our precious loved ones as well as within ourselves. 

We praise you, Lord, for your greatness and your gentleness. Forgive our unbelief and help us BELIEVE! Us, and our unbelieving loved one. We give you all the glory. In Christ’s powerful name, amen!

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Chronicles of the Donovan Clan

It’s been a long time since I have written about our family. I think I am finally at a place to give you an update and share with you what has transpired in the months since my husband’s return to work. 

For those of you who are new here, I will give you a quick recap. Last year, January 2009, my husband lost his job. He was fairly certain he would find new employment quickly as he works in the High Tech industry. However, after three months passed he found himself surprised and then worried. The worry and stress grew as month six came and went. As I recall, it was about then, June of last year, he began to pray. I remember clearly my husband walking into my tiny hallway office, grabbing my hand, leading me to the family room because he wanted to pray for a potential job. 

I watched this amazing journey unfold as my husband went to church, opened his bible, prayed. Sounds like a believer, yes???? In November following a strong prayer weekend in which I attended in Florida, indeed, the Lord came through and my husband accepted a job the day before Thanksgiving. I remember talking with my man about how God had watched over us through the lean months of unemployment. 

I have miracle stories of provision as well as accounts of the Lord bringing three opportunities to work before my husband in early November and then delivered the perfect job, which is where he works today. (One story is so much a miracle that it is being included in a book ~amazing)

I was convinced this journey was my husband’s trek to the cross of Christ. But, as I write these words today, I must concede it hasn’t played out in the way I expected or wanted. 

Back in November I carefully and respectfully asked my husband if he had made promises to God. He said he had and he was considering baptism. I was thrilled and I waited anxiously for him to move forward in his faith journey. What happened after that is what caught me off guard. 

He began making excuses for not attending church, football season. “I’ll go to church after the season is over.” 

So I waited all the time believing. After football season, it was then our church was without a pastor. 

Here is where the story becomes difficult to share. Our new pastor spoke at church for two weekends in May. I could feel the excitement in our worship center. This man was the man for our church. I just knew my husband would like him and he attended church to listen to him speak. 

Finally, the time arrived for which I have prayed for years.

On the way home after service, I felt like the fullness of time had finally arrived. All the roadblocks were overcome and now my man would feel comfortable to continue his journey toward Christ and start with baptism. 

Sitting in the car, I asked him about the pastor. 

Well, I was utterly shocked at his reply. Let’s say he thought he was “okay.” 

I was utterly crushed. 

This is why. It was as if my future rush before my eyes in a flash. You see I had just turned 50 and the realization is that our new pastor will be a teacher in our church for probably a minimum of 10 years. This is the reality that hit me. I will be 60 years old and still doing this faith thing all by myself. 

It’s not about the preacher. It’s about my husband. It wouldn’t matter who was teaching, my husband is unwilling to surrender. 

I was devastated as I realized in that singular moment, I will be walking the journey of faith alone for the rest of my life. 

For about two weeks my hope wavered. I begged God to explain why this happened. I asked God, “Am I praying within your will for my husband?” 

I grieved. 

I grieved over the hope I had for the later years of my life and that my husband would be an enthusiastic participant in living for Jesus. It was not to be. 

This long journey of unemployment did not end at the foot of the cross. 

I think I was so spiritually sick that several people sensed it. I received emails, phone calls a card in the mail. (This just proves to me how connected we all are at the spiritual level. I hadn’t told anyone and yet God sent others to pray for me and help me regain perspective.) 

I experienced a temporary loss of hope. I experienced the enemy snatching my faith away, stealing the truth from under me. 

But, Jesus heard my prayers and lifted me out of my sadness and told me to stand upon the truths that I so clearly know.

What I want to tell you today is this: I will never give up hope for my husband’s salvation. I have also learned some things about hope: 

Satan's attack on hope has been to deceive us into thinking that God will "endorse" our own dreams, passions, and desires if we hold onto them dearly and have enough "faith". Scripture, however, commands us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Christ in dying to self. We are to hope in His will, His word, His life, and not our own. Self-indulgent "hope" is "on shifting sand" and is really no hope at all--but mere delusion, rebellion, and disobedience. 

Our only real hope is Christ, and Him crucified. Everything in the universe will soon melt away, including all of our vain and false "hopes". Everything we think so important now--gone! All of our hopes will then be shown for what they were. We will then be face to face with Him who bought us with such a great price and commanded us to follow. ~C.S. Lewis 

I am hearing the Lord asking me to sacrifice my “self-indulgent hope” for this life I dream about. He is calling me to continue to live out my faith based upon the promises of His Word. He is asking me to trust Him in the face of a life of faith alone - without my earthly partner. 

Gulp. 

It’s hard to even write it down and try to reconcile that it may be what is required. Could you do it? Can you look full in the face of what your biggest hope is and say to Jesus, “I surrender it?” 

This is where my mustard seed faith becomes as big as a mountain. I know the truth. I know Jesus. I can’t change anyone, especially my husband, I can only change me. I choose Jesus. It is by His power and love that I can face the rest of my life and still find great joy in the living. It is Jesus who takes my disappointment and turns it into a smile. It is the Redeemer who will remove this old dream and give me a bigger and better dream. 

I cannot, will not ever, never stop praying for the salvation of my husband. When he finally is baptized at perhaps age 85, you can bet this old woman will be posting a photo here of a gray-haired couple. You can be assured that we are both standing in our walkers and shouting to the heavens praises for God’s ways are always best ways.   

For all of you who have traveled along with me on this long journey, hoping and praying for us, I am humbly and utterly thankful. I don’t understand the why of it all and when I ask the Lord about it, He chooses not to explain. I only hear this, “Lynn, this is serving my purposes.” 

That is good enough for me. Be Blessed, Lynn