Conflict - Alcohol and Marriage

As we began this series regarding conflict I set out some of the guidelines and the premise by which we intend to explore the specific issues. If you have not read that post, please read it now (go here, then come right back).

I told you last week I want to look at alcohol in marriages and we will. Prior to jumping into that I am also compelled to share with you two books I have found helpful when dealing with conflict.

• Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

• Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson 

Written by Christian authors, the books offer some solid suggestions to deal with some of these tough issues. You can find these books in our recommended reading page, click here.

Onward.

Over the past week the Lord confirmed to me that I need to post on alcohol and it’s affects on marriages. I appreciate everyone who left comments and sent me email. You are the voice that I needed to move me forward with these posts.

I recognize that there are mountains of books, materials, and studies that address the subject of alcohol and alcoholism. Where I tend to see the affects arise in my ministry is specific. So, I am going to share this scenario with the reading audience.

Fictional story based on actual lives:

Tina and Mark (fictional names) have been married 10 years. Three years after they married Tina found Jesus. That is when trouble began. Several children arrived and Tina’s faith grew. Mark remained the same.

In the early years of their marriage Tina and Mark would join the gang at the pub for football, beer, and burgers. Also, Mark and Tina usually unwound after a long day with a couple of beers or a bottle of wine in the evening. However, Tina began to change and she no longer went to the pub and really lost her desire to drink at night. She was too busy raising the kids and wouldn’t leave them to go out. But, Mark was adamant that he wasn’t going to grow old at 30 so he continued to head to the bar once or twice a week. Unwinding with a beer in the evening began to grow to four beers in the evening, every evening.

**** This is where I (Lynn) begin to run into people in marriage who are at a kind of crossroads.

Tina, takes a step back and starts pondering a crazy thought, Is my husband an alcoholic? Tina really isn’t sure and isn’t that concerned, yet. I mean really, after all Jesus drank wine. It’s not a sin to drink, she thinks to herself, and then shrugs off the thought. However, it keeps nagging her. She is bothered that her husband is out at a bar once a week without her. After all, she knows what can happen after a few drinks and a vulnerable situation arises.

She tries to talk with Mark. He is mad that Tina is such a stick in the mud. He is not doing anything wrong. It’s her fault she doesn’t want to go to the bar and have some fun. He thinks, this whole Jesus thing has ruined our lives.

Tina cannot help but notice the increased drinking. She feels disrespected by her husband because he is leaving her every weekend. She wants to spend time with him but he can get mean when he’s had a few.

She is hurt, and worse than that, bewildered as what to do. Arguing has done nothing, threats, manipulation, nothing seems to get through to Mark.

She cries alone. He is angry and blames her for their problems.

In this scenario it is likely this couple has other issues besides alcohol. But, I am going to focus on alcohol because it seems to be where marriages can go two different ways. Good and one not good.

Where I find believers struggling is this: recognizing there is a problem with alcohol. There are some specific questions that can help guide you.

Okay, don't be mad but this post has run long so I am going to cut it off here. I will post next Friday what happened to Tina and Mark. Stay tuned.

Isaiah 61: 1-2 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn

This scripture leaped into my mind as I typed. It is this scripture that compells me to write about such difficult subjects. May all that we say be sifted and may it bring healing and ultimate glory to the Lord Jesus Christ. Be Blessed, Lynn

Thankful Thursday - Summer Fun

Hi, It is the last Thursday of the month. I have greatly enjoyed hosting Thankful Thursday this month. Your posts offering praise to our Lord honors Him greatly. Your words encouraged, made me laugh, brought me new insights into our faith. Thank you.

Next month we will all be meeting at Grace Alone, Iris will be hosting. She is a wise woman who always brings something special to our weekly praise. September we meet again at Women Taking A Stand and I will see you here again for the month of October.

This week let's enjoy the season of summer. What are you thankful for in the warm months of summer?

• Comfortable mornings sitting in my back yard among the flowers and garden, sipping coffee, reading my daily Bible and talking with Jesus.
• Bright blue summer skies
• Fresh fruit
• Ripe Mellon
• Sleeping in.... (at least my husband and daughter. I'm an early riser all year round.)
• Yellow roses
• Cool octagonal spider webs and big ugly, yet cool looking spiders.
• Finding a Sandollar floating in the surf during a casual stroll down the beach.
• Fresh from the garden veggies.

I could go on forever. God is Awesome. He is brilliant. He is good. He is love.

WE ARE RICHLY BLESSED!

Have a fantastic Thursday and tell someone today that you are thankful they are in your life. I love you. Be Blessed, Lynn

Eternity's Waiting

As I mention in the weekend devo, Ecclesiates 3:11 became quite significant to me last week. I'll tell you why. I've shared recent posts about "living out loud" and searching for God's will in my marriage, and what that means. What should I say or not say about my faith? Am I living out loud enough?

Well, I took a chance the other day.

I've mentioned before that my sweet hubby is an avid disc golfer. Last week when we were on the way to the airport for an out-of-state tournament, I mustered the courage to tell him I would be praying for him. He didn't say anything at first, then shared that he hoped he would be in my thoughts, too.

To me that goes without saying, and praying is even better. My way of loving on him. I told him this. He replied that he just liked to know he'd be in my thoughts without a third person.

We've talked here before at S.U.M. about how an unbelieving spouse can see Jesus as an intruder. This is an example of that. An unexpected one for me, because I've made it clear to my husband in the past that he came first, before church stuff. And I'd even stay home on a Sunday if he wanted to make plans or just wanted me home. (I think he's asked me to do this maybe twice in the last five years and even then, I had to ask him if he'd like me to stay home when I realized what he was hemming and hawing about).

Yet, here I was faced with that similar reaction. I did my best to reassure him he would definitely dominate my thoughts. In my mind, having someone tell me they were praying for me is a precious gift—one that humbles me. For him, it was a threat. I shared my faith, we conflicted.

Though I can't completely understand his position, I will respect it. I let the subject be. The next day, I shared this with Lynn during our phone conversation. She'll tell you that no sooner had we hung up, I called her right back.

Because it suddenly dawned on me. How can my husband be threatened by something he doesn't even believe in?

Eternity in the hearts of men...

God has set this in all of us, even those that choose not to believe. They can't escape it even though they think they have. God designed us to be his. He designed us with that reality in mind. He designed us with eternity in our hearts.

That includes my sweet husband, and your unbelieving loved one, too. Eternity's there waiting.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Conflict - Hold On To Your Hats!

Well I have actually spent more time than you might believe in prayer about this topic, conflict. I have prayed about it, thought about it. I have gleaned through the pages of several books researching this subject to provide accurate and Godly information about how to deal with conflict.

I have been so unsettled about this topic that I spent more than an hour on the phone with Dineen talking about it a few days ago. In fact, I just now left my bedroom where I was spending some quiet time with the Lord, asking Him what to write. (It’s 2:52 on Saturday afternoon)

So after speaking with the Lord and with my writing buddy, Dineen, I am compelled to follow my heart. I am going to take an interesting direction as we proceed down this path. As we walk this path I need to set out some thoughts:

• I don’t have everything figured out.

• I am not a professional. However, when I think I might tread into an area where I lack experience or wisdom, I will seek out the professional Christian Counselors I work with.

• I am going to write about specific subjects that I encounter as I work with men and women in ministry. I will not use specific situations only the general scenarios. So please don’t worry I would ever share anything you ever told me in confidence. If you think you find your story in the posts to follow, it is only because I have encountered the conflict over and over in many marriages. You are likely not alone in your struggles.

• I am leaning heavily on the word of God, my prayer time and how much my heart has ached and has been broken over the years as I pray for men and women who are dealing with these specific conflicts in their lives.

• Finally, I invite you – no, need your input. I may have some solutions or options which may help when dealing with a conflict but I won’t have them all. If you have lived through some of the struggles we will discuss and you found a Godly way to become free, I implore you to share. Share anonymously if need be but share from your heart.

Whew! Glad to get that off my chest.

Before I dive into the biggest conflict on my heart, I have some thoughts about conflict and conflict resolution. Last week I asked the question, Is it Godly to draw the line in the sand?

Let’s be clear on the answer here. YES.

In fact, there are times as believers we MUST draw a boundary line. I want to share with you what one reader wrote. Rosheeda wrote in two paragraphs a brilliant answer.

It is sometimes Godly to draw lines in the sand. We are called to be peace MAKERS, not peace keepers. Peace keepers just go w/the flow to avoid the whole scene... But here's the thing about peace MAKING: you have to address that which is OUT of order, to bring about Godly order. And that isn't always easy. As Believers, we are called to a certain standard, and we are called to hold each other accountable - out of love - because that's how Christ loves us. As much as He loves us, He still rebukes us. Because without the address, there would never be change - because we would remain blind to our own flaws. Our relationships with each other should mirror our relationship with Him.

Boundaries in any relationship are important. Because boundaries in conduct require us to learn what genuine respect looks like. And respect is where love begins and ends. That doesn't mean we always agree. It simply means we learn to handle each other with care - which is what God calls us to anyway. Anytime we are not requiring that of each other, we are not being the peaceMAKERS we are called to be -because a lack of respect in relationships (especially marriage) breeds tension and animosity - and those things lead to sin... love you. ro

Rosheeda, the Lord dwells in your heart. Thank you.

We are called to have boundaries. I think we already knew this deep down. But, conflict is deeply intricate. The dynamics in each marriage are highly individual. In the grey areas, outside of specific scripture, a situation may be perfectly fine for my life and marriage but to another it is absolutely reprehensible and conflict is inevitable.

This is what Dineen and I discussed for almost two hours. How do we guide this conversation with this in mind? I arrived at the place where we can’t. So, I have decided, as I stated earlier, to address specific issues common to marriage.

The one issue pulling directly and passionately on my heart is this: Alcohol ~ I have much to say about how this little word affects many. And, you might be surprised how much I know about the subject. Also, I will tell you this, I live in wine country and enjoy a nice glass of red from time-to-time.

So, I am putting myself out there. Don’t get freaked out yet. I want to talk about how I see alcohol affect some families and specifically marriages. At what point is the boundary line broken? How and what should you do to set boundaries and mostly give you hope that if you are living in this particular situation, GOD CAN CHANGE IT! He may be calling you to action.

Now, this is just one of the touchy subjects I have wanted to write about for years, so hang on to your hats. Let’s let the Lord lead this series of post and bring healing.

Isaiah 61: 1-2 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn

This scripture leaped into my mind as I typed. It is this scripture that compells me to write about such difficult subjects. May all that we say be sifted and may it bring healing and ultimate glory to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Be Blessed, Lynn

Weekend Devo—Time and Eternity

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. — Ecclesiastes 3:11

I don't know about you, but there are certain books in the Bible that take more energy to read than others. Ecclesiastes is one of them. I picture the writer as a person full of wisdom, but always from a slightly negative perspective (giggle).

But this verse set the stage for some events this past week—ones I'll share Tuesday, but I want to share this hope-filled nugget with you in the meantime. There are two profound truths here.

One, it speaks of God's timing. I'm sure you've had one of those times where things just seemed to work out and when you look back, you see this perfection to it—how God prevented, prepared, or purposed something. These are the moments that take my breath away in their perfection and beauty.

When my daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, everything moved so fast. They wanted to even schedule the insertion for a port in her chest for the chemo treatments. But for some reason, the planning of this procedure kept falling through. I was frustrated at the thought of her having to go through another procedure after they removed the tumor.

Turned out she didn't need that port. They discovered the cancer wasn't as aggressive a form as they first thought, but they couldn't know that until they'd removed the tumor and analyzed it. What I thought was disorganization was God making the situation "beautiful in its time."

The second truth sends a thrill through my heart and spirit. God sets eternity in our hearts. Though we cannot fathom all that God is and does, He's done this so we don't have to. For all of us. It's not a part of salvation but the very desire that brings us to salvation. Deep within, God designed us to have this yearning.

And it's a promise I claim right now for my precious hubby. I hope you'll claim for your unbelieving loved one, too.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Thankful Thursday - Victory!

I was raised in church.

As a kid I would sit in cushioned benches in our church along with my family and every service began with hymns. I learned every word to so many of those old songs.

Today they still reside deep in my soul. At unusual times and places those old lyrics force themselves up and out.

And….. I start singing… OUT LOUD! In the middle of the night. Out in the garden. While I am jogging. The shower, the car, often while I am praying in the morning.

Well today I was so moved by Dineen’s post (below) that my lips began moving and I am filled with this old hymn….

VICTORY IN JESUS…. MY SAVIOR FOREVER.

I want to jump out of my chair right now and sing at the top of my lungs… Better not as my sleeping family would likely pound me *grin*.

Girls, and men, we have victory.

Read this scripture again:

For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? — 1 John 5:4-5 ESV

We will prevail through the transforming power of Jesus Christ.

Today, I claim to the world that Jesus works. He can change wayward hearts, stubborn children, an unbelieving spouse, angry bosses, mean spirited people and mostly, me. Woo Hoo!

What is your victory?

Have a blessed Thursday. I am looking forward to reading about your triumphs. Lynn

Living Out Loud, Part 2

Thoughts and questions are formulating in my mind. I've not yet made sense of it all, but I trust God to take care of that. Consider this more just me thinking out loud. And please join in with your own thoughts.

Perhaps its impatience. I don't know, but I do sense God preparing me for something, and I don't think I'm alone. We want to make an impact on our spiritually unequal marriages. We want to see God's hand at work. We want to see change. Are you with me so far? Are you feeling that same nudge, too?

We walk a difficult path in a S.U.M. We're constantly aware of what we should or shouldn't say. Or try to be. What will cause an argument? Taking the children to church, leaving a Bible out in the open, voicing our own faith-based opinion regarding a political debauchery?

How do we live our faith effectively in such circumstances? Sometimes we find a groove that works, a place of rest and peace. Conflict is avoided for the most part, but are we in actuality becoming complacent? Is God calling us to do more?

In the past I've entered this battleground. Whether willingly or unwillingly, I answer the best way I can, from what I know, what I see, and what I believe. Yet nothing has changed. At first I see impossibility, then God shows me possibility. At times I sense hopelessness crouching like a tiger, ready to steal my hope. Then God gives me a glimmer of victory over this beast and hope is restored.

I read the following Scripture recently, and even looked up different translations of it. I liked this one best:

For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? — 1 John 5:4-5 ESV

Have you ever thought of your faith as your victory? Over the world? Over your circumstances? Over your spouses' disbelief? Since reading this, I've repeated this phrase over and over again:

"My faith is my victory. My faith is my victory. My faith is my victory."

In Romans 8:36 Paul says, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

I want to live my faith victoriously through Christ—in my marriage. I know you do. I'm praying fervently for you and I hope you will for me. I'm not ready to let this subject go. Next week, I hope to have more insight on HOW we can do this.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

CONFLICT ~ You can't live with him...You can't live without him.

I have been pondering conflict.

Not world conflict, nor social conflict but that personal, in-your-face, conflict in marriage. I guess my thoughts on conflict have surfaced because of my most recent exchange with my own mate. Remember Church or no-Church?

If you are married, you deal with conflict. After all, we are human, broken and flawed. What troubles me is so often conflict is avoided or handled inappropriately. Therefore, I think we need to take a look at some real situations and discover how conflict is handled appropriately and through the lens of the Bible.

As I was in my quiet time a few days ago, speaking to the Lord, the following found its way into my prayer journal:

I wonder if many of us have a view that as a Christian, we must be the spouse who refrains from conflict. It is our duty as a follower of Christ to always be the peace maker and give in to the demands of our spouse and don’t rock the boat?

There are scriptures that point to this conclusion:

Proverbs 13:3 3 Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.

Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

And then there is this one:

James 3:6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

Yikes!

It’s all so confusing.

There are times we should keep our mouth shut. Such was the case last week when my husband was moving slowly on Sunday morning and I thought we would be late to church, again. You may remember, I took control of my thoughts and then my mouth and said nothing. It was the right thing to do.

However, three weeks earlier the conflict that erupted between us in the most inopportune place and at the most in opportune time was necessary. Perhaps I could have made an issue of this growing church or no-church conflict at home later in the day. However, I am convinced the impact would have been feeble, my words ignored, and resolution of our differences would still be hanging out there.

People, there are times we not only need to rock the boat but we need to get out of the boat.

Now, don’t panic. You know I am not leading this conversation toward throwing in the towel. No, I want to look honestly at proper conflict and our responsibilities as believers in these unique marriages.

So how do we start to define this vast issue of conflict resolution? Let’s start with this; Is it Godly to draw the line in the sand?

What do you think?

Have a blessed week and stay tuned for more on CONFLICT, Can’t live with him. Can’t live without him.  Lynn

Weekend Devo — Living Out Loud

God Is Interested in Your Work by Rick Warren

"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had His eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone" (Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG).

Many Christians don't make the connection between Sunday and Monday. They compartmentalize their life. They think, "Well, I've got a spiritual life and I've got a secular life. My spiritual life is when I read the Bible, when I pray, when I go to church, when I do good things for others. That's my spiritual life." And that's over in one compartment.

So then, they think, over in another compartment: "This is my secular life. That's my work, my job, my career, my business decisions, my finances, my pension plan; all these things are my secular life."

God says, "No, that's wrong. All of life is spiritual." The word secular isn't in the Bible. It all matters to God; everything in your life is important to God. God is as interested in your work as He is in your prayers. In fact, I would suggest that He might be more interested in your job because you spend more time working than you do praying.

The fact is, your relationship to Christ is like marriage. Marriage is a full-time relationship, and so is your relationship with Christ. What do you think would happen if I came up to my wife and said, "Honey, I'm going to act married only when I'm at home"?

The fact is, all of life is important to God, and you can't separate your Christianity from your work, just as you can't separate your Christianity from your life.

I read the devotional above last week, and it's rattled in my brain for the rest of the week. Warren talks about how we can't separate our Christianity from our work and lives, and even uses marriage as an example. But this got me thinking...how do we live our Christian lives in a spiritually unequal marriage? Do we compartmentalize it, as Warren talks about, living it only on Sundays in order to avoid conflict? Do we live our faith in the shadows out of necessity (and some of us do...)? Or have we taken this route, because, well, it's easier?

These are the questions going through my mind right now. Come back Tuesday for more about living our faith out loud when we feel like we have to be quiet. I hope you'll explore this topic with me in the weeks ahead.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

To All Evil:

To All Evil:

You are hereby now put on notice. I am back, praying with a vengeance. I believe in a Holy, perfect and loving God. The One. The Only. God of the Universe. God Almighty.

To all evil: This God is for me and will never leave me, nor forsake me. He is my shield, my strength. He ONLY wants what is good for me and never evil. He is watching my back, side, and front. He hears ever word I utter so you better be very afraid because I am about to pray down millions of angels upon this earth.

I will be asking for protection and God's holy power to triumph over our circumstances. To change our lives to live in victory. We will shout to everyone we know that it is GOD who rescues, who lifts us up to new adventures and new heights of love and relationships.

I will proclaim to my dying breath that God is real, all-powerful, able to over come all evil. God can and will rescue marriages, save us from depression, alcohol, heartbreak, drugs, video games, hatred, anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.

To all evil: Not only will my God rescue me and all of my friends. He will give us our dreams just because I am asking and because God delights in us. So today be very, very afraid. We will not back down. We will not surrender. We will stand at this moment and say, "We serve the Lord Most High. We always will. Nothing you do to us will ever tear us away from our Jesus."

To all my friends: Believe today we are turning a corner. There ARE changes ahead which will delight us, make us laugh and giggle. There are dreams to be fulfilled and God stands ready to listen and work in our lives. Let's watch and see now what He does.

O, Lord our God. Today we will not be afraid or defeated. Wrap your love around us so tight that we feel 10 feel tall. Nothing can touch us, hurt us, or defeat us. Lord, lead us in YOUR ways and let us surrender our selfishness. Father we trust in you through the transforming love and the powerful, life saving blood of Jesus. It is in His name we ask for your power in our lives. Dispatch those angels now Lord and let us stand ready to do your work. In Jesus name. Amen.

From the archives May 28, 2008

Be blessed, Lynn