Attending Chruch Alone Church or no-Church. What is a Girl to Do?

Continued from Monday.

I just couldn’t do it any longer. Sacrifice another morning. I survive because of those two little hours where I refuel, gain perspective and fill my soul with spiritual strength in order to face the week ahead and the spiritual battles which are inevitable.

His non-confrontational persona leapt forward and he mumbled something inaudible and shuffled myself and my daughter into a row. My eyes burned but I was able to sit through the service.

Which brings us to yesterday (last week), actually rewind a bit further to late Saturday evening. We arrived home after an evening with friends. I am angry because it is 1:00 a.m. and church in the morning is now doubtful. It is then that I decide the last straw has landed on my back. Such strange timing.

I launch into this tirade, “It looks like I am going to miss church again. I am angry because we were out late and you did nothing to wrap up the evening at an hour to allow me rest and to get up early to attend church with my small group.”

There is much more to this building dynamic which is the result of numerous repeats of this scenario. You will have to trust me on this. I didn’t freak-out over a single event. This is a long in the making.

Now bear with me on this me because this exchange appears selfish and in fact it may be. However, at this moment, I am truly over it! I don’t want my husband to EVER attend church with me again unless he wants to. The conversation ended with me flopping into bed.

The next morning, “Sweetie, I want you to know that I in fact, was planning to attend church with you. Not because it would make you happy but because I wanted to.”

Sheesh!

We didn’t make it to church. As I write this post, I am puzzling. How could I traverse a complete 360 about this most important topic and really mean it? More perplexing, I haven’t been able to work through the rightness of it nor God’s perspective (yet).

The way I see it, for years, I applied pressure on my husband to such a degree that he attended church ONLY to make me happy. The result, he finally starts attending we are both miserable.

This is my dilemma. I believed, with all that I am, church would reach my husband. Untrue as of right now. Furthermore, I think I am happier about going alone than sitting by my man and feeling the stress of his displeasure.

I know many of you KNOW exactly what I speak of. I am unable as of this moment to give you the answer but the answer I seek. Not only for me but for you who have also faced or will face this strange turn of events.

I commit this to you my friends, God has brought this situation alive and to the forefront. He is preparing a learning moment, dare I say, a paradigm shift for me and for many of you. I am seeking the truth of navigating – church or no-church, with fervent prayer and a persistence not present before.

Our Lord has never failed to show me the truth of my situations, marriage, parenting, friendships. I will remain faithful and trust He will do the same in this. And, when I know. You will know.

Until then, I want to hear from you and how many of you traverse the quandary of, Church or no-church. Share with me. Be Blessed, Lynn

I plan to talk with you about what I am learning about myself, this situation, about my husband's journey and our Great Big God on Monday. Please tune in for that conversation. It is gonna be good. Love ya! Lynn

Comments

[Karen Lawrence]

I stumbled across your blog via A Journey of Faith;s blog.

I am in a marriage where my hubby is not a believer and at times it too can be very hard.

I would love to comment about your post, but I first want to "get to know you", so I will check out your archive posts, so I don't talk out of turn.

Blessing
Karen

[Noreen]

Dear Sweet Lynn, It's amazing that you would write this-for I too have pondered over church in the last year, especially since mine is on Sunday eve. I don't yet have an answer either except that the Lord would rather me honor and serve my husband verses leaving him to go to a service. So I choose according to the day or the week-I want him to see how great my love is.

[Maureen]

I am in an unequally yoked marriage as well. Although my husband does attend church without fail (he does worry about breaking this commandment) there is absolutely nothing else religious about him. So in my experience, whether your husband attends church or not, you still may not receive the results that you are seeking. Your husband has to have a desire to let God in. I have heard frequently to never nag about this topic, Even though you are filled with a love of Jesus, it is best to keep any religious talk to a minimum. Let him see the good changes in you in a subtle way, which he will see in his own time. Always be loving and kind. I cannot tell you the conflicts I had with my husband when I first came back to the church. Now I often, especially in church see him look over at me. He seems to have a new appreciation for me as being a good and loving person. Even though it makes you sad to go alone, I definitely would put God first, no one should come before him. Keep your focus on doing this for God, instead of what you are hoping for. Try to leave the house with happiness. Let your husband see your joy to go and not the pressure and anger. Alot of times men don't like feeling they have to do something they don't want to do. Instead, hopefully he will desire the same joy he sees in you. Sit in the front row if it helps take your mind of the other couples that are there. When you feel sad, say a little prayer about it and give your sadness to God. I had once heard a great idea. Pray to the Holy Spirit for a month to open the hearts of the person you want to love God. Make no mention to this person about anything religious. At the end of the month, make a small subtle comment about how God has made a difference in your life. Then pray to the Holy Spirit again for another month to open his heart, then, after another month has past, invite the person to church. Just keep praying and have faith.

[Tamara Hari]

hello Lynn, I dont really read where Mike desires for you to choose. If I may say so....you are stressing yourself. how you write the story, Mike is pretty understanding and doesnt pressure you to stay at home. So I think the question isnt: church or no-church but....are you still willing to attend church alone? please write to me if I am totally off base here.
In my situation: winter time is perfect for church because skiing can happen in the afternoon too -but in summer time it sometimes stresses our family: hiking you really should start in the morning hours - God is changing Jack and he is often willing to come with and then we dont have conflicts. I am also "listening" to when I should go and when not out of love for Jack. I totally respect Noreens decision but that would never work for me - I love church and my church friends - be blessed dear friend, Tamara

[Mary]

Well I am a pastor's wife so in one sense I have NO idea what you are talking about ....HOWEVER i am a daughter of parents whom I believe are Spiritually unequal marriage! So I can share with you what i have learned via ministry with those who are in your shoes and things I have seen growing up at home and maybe that can help.

My goal is to not hurt not to make you feel bad BUT I am just making observations on what I have read in both posts.

Well here it goes:
You said
"The way I see it, for years, I applied pressure on my husband to such a degree that he attended church ONLY to make me happy. The result, he finally starts attending we are both miserable."

Well It sounds like you were just sugar coaying what you had been doing...Would you be willing to say you nagged him.? It's like when you pray and ask God and ask for something..anything at all and God knows what will happen...you are not ready for the responsibility and he says wait and you don't like that so you beg and plead more and finally gets sick of hearing us whine and complain and he finally gives in...

We see God also did thins with Isreal when they wanted a King...they ha the most handsome and dashing young fellow however he had serious social emotional difficulties and yet God let it happen!

You see God knows that your husbands heart is not ready. In your outburst you were not displaying the fruits of the Spirit and the Holy Spirit is the ONLY one who is going to get your husbands attention.

I am not saying you shouldn't ask God to change your husband's heart you should and often but you need to be praying for God's will in the matter AND god's timing. And Maybe you were doing this but then it sounds like you took matters into your own hands and laid on the pressure as you previously stated. Inevitably you should not lay ANY pressure onto your husband...The Spirit's convicting power is way more than yours anyway and is way more effective.

I have watched my mom do this for years and she basically has always gotten what you just experienced ..doing it because you want them too. Not a real heart change!

I had no intention to go on this long but I will be praying for you ad your family.

This is tough and I know you are torn betwee two masters. So i am adding you to what I read everyday and i will make it a point to pray for you as i read your blog. And if need be we could make arrangements to email or call if you so desire. I also suggest talking with your pastor if you hvae not already
In Christ Happy Mama

[Shannon]

In my first marriage, I pressured my husband to attend church with me. And he did, rather unhappily. Our marriage failed for other reasons, but it did teach me something.

With my second, I have told him that church is important to me, and that I would like it very much if he would attend with me once in a while, but I wasn't going to pressure him. For two years he never went (part of it was because he was scheduled to work). Then one day, the Boss started giving him Saturdays off for some reason. It was also around the time our daughter was born sleeping. He's attended church with me once, and he enjoyed it.

I ask him every week if he would like to come to church with me. Most of the time it's met with a no, but he knows it's important to me, and he appreciates that I don't pressure. I think my lack of pressure makes the bigger impression on him. I'd still like to have him there with me every week, but I know that even just the one time he went, and my gentle, non-pressuring persistence will be what God uses to slowly bring him to where God wants him to be.

And the funny thing is, even though they really could use him at work on Saturdays, he still gets that day off. I think it comes with all this praying I and my family and friends have been doing. He was even asked if he could work this Saturday (Independence Day, busiest day of the year for food service), and he said no. Just the fact that he said no tells me Someone is working in his heart.

[Denise]

I love you my friend.

[JB]

Hello there! I am a first time blogger, this is so cool. I had to read up on the story many are talking about. I could explore these pages for days! I just love this and so wish I would have explored sooner! Thank you for all you share. As you know, I spent many years living with an unsafed husband. I do not have advise for your dos or don't regarding church going, it is such a personal decision, but God does tell us that by prayer and petition as we bring our requests to Him, He will provide what we need. I do know God needs to be first and that may look different in your situation, then it was in mine (I just had to go to church). Still, the church going aint gonna get ya to heaven now is it? Ok, what I can share is an experience I had during a time when I was really screwing up my marriage. I had just read the little book "Why Should I be the First to Change by the Misslers, and it gave me a perspective I had considered, but hadn't acted on, that God was wanting to work on ME, not my hubby. Shortly after, I heard the song "Change My Heart Oh, God". I decided to make a change. I claimed that song; playing it, singing it, chanting it, praying it over and over again (especially when I anticipated my husband coming home from work for the day)! I wanted to make certain that I did everything to be like Jesus to him despite what I really felt like saying, doing or acting. I needed the Holy Spirit to take over completely in my interaction with my husband because most often I was resentful and discouraged in marriage. You see, my veil had been lifted, my husband's hadn't. I am not saying this is for you in regards to the church decision, your heart and motivies may be in the totally right place, but I do know that my heart needed changing many times a day and in regards to many an issue. I still love that song which inspired me to look at the speck in my eye instead of my husbands and the great responsibility I had and still have in answering to God for MY actions despite the actions of others. I am thankful you brought it to mind today, I know I need to go listen to it right now. God is so good Lynn, and he loves you so much!Thank you again for sharing. Love ya, JB

[Melonie K.]

I'm afraid I don't have anything constructive to add personally - but I wanted to give you a great big loving cyber-HUGGGGG.

[Grammy]

Hi Lynn, how funny we are at each others blog at the same time.
I pray you find peace. love joy and happiness. Big hug.

[Iris]

Great series, Lynn...up to the next post...Just wanted you to know that I am reading :)

Love you...