Attending Church AloneChurch or no-Church

Things often play out very strange.

I am going to share a story with you. I am still trying to process the circumstances of the past two weeks looking for the hand-print of God in this. I would be interested to know if any of you have experienced what I experienced and how you processed it.

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One of the most consistent Google searches which bring new readers to Spiritually Unequal Marriage is this: Attending Church Alone.

I am not surprised by this. For many years, going to church alone was an enormous obstacle for me. Our society is after all, structured primarily around couples. Ever been to the amusement park? Two chairs together on the roller coaster. What about going to the movie theater alone? Shudder!

And finally, church. Organized religion, for the most part, revolves around couples – families. I am not condemning this truth only pointing out that the typical church centers around husbands AND wives. Church leadership doesn’t intend to isolate singles. After all look at the many thriving singles programs churches offer.

However, being married and single is a category most churches can’t even begin to comprehend. With this said, the reality of attending church alone is excruciating. Many Sundays, I would sit down in the sanctuary by myself. Soon a cute couple would shuffle down the row in front of me. I always seemed to notice they were holding hands. Then they would sit directly in front of me thus making it impossible for me to ignore them. And finally they would shoot each other a dazzling, I-am-in-love-with-you-and-so-glad-to-be-in-church-with-you, smile.

Pain.

I’m not saying anything is wrong with this scenario. In fact, it is very right. But for me……. my heart could be wrenched right out of my chest. The pastor’s message would become lost as his words floated above me, indistinguishable because I was lost in a turbulent sea of unfulfilled longing which threatened to completely swallow me up. Anyone relate?

So now let me put a twist on this scenario. It’s utterly strange to me as I contemplate what I am going to share.

In the recent months since my husband's unemployment, he has attended church with me sporadically. Elated just doesn’t describe how excited I felt over this change in our relationship in early January. Every unbelieving spouse, hopes –dreams- about this day. We think, finally, he will hear the truth spoken and because it is delivered by someone other than me, perhaps the Holy Spirit will finally breakthrough to him.

A desperation prayer is then quickly uttered. “O Lord, please, please, let this be the day he is baptized.”

Well, I am still waiting. And in recent weeks, a new phenomenon has emerged into our intricate church attendance drama.

ME.

Recently when my husband chooses to attend church, I faced some unexpected and baffling scenarios. The night or morning before church, my husband would launch into complaints. “The music's too loud. It is a waste of time. Why do we stand through the long singing time? All the men that I observe in church just aren’t’ into it, so why do we sing? And, why is church so long anyway? An hour is enough.”

At first I would answer these questions. “Popular Christian music isn’t like the old hymns. Younger people like it louder and more energetic. So do I.”

“We stand because we honor God as we stand to our feet and from my perspective the singing (worship) isn’t long enough.”

“Many, many people including men really, honestly, like the music.”

And I just leave the whole length-of-the-service thing completely alone. If you love Jesus, you like to be there. If you don’t…….

In addition to these complaints, he would use body language to display his displeasure during the service once we arrive. And if I am brutally honest, I found myself in silent tears as I observed the hostility in him while I stood at his side in church on random Sundays. Because of these verbal and nonverbal complaints, the once-a week- worship and reconnection which I desperately needed was subtly stolen from me. It was just too much for me to ignore.

It seems last week I couldn’t take anymore. It was Father’s Day. He complained about getting up early. “I am not going to rush to get ready. We will get there when we get there” he said as he stepped into the shower.

My disappointment mounted. I LOVE TO WORSHIP. The music can absolutely revive my heart.

We walked into the church that morning and the music was loud but not piercing. He immediately mumbled some caustic remark to me. Girls and Men…. I just snapped. “You do not need to be here. I don’t want you to come to church just to make me happy. I no longer want you here if you don’t desire to be here so please leave right now and I will get a ride home.”

I stared straight into his face with an intensity that could have bored holes through his head. At the moment, I wish they would have. Not kidding!

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~This post has gone long but I have so much more of the story to tell. It's already written and I will meet you again here on Friday, July 3rd for the conclusion as well as a question for you. Please come back. Also, today give me your thoughts and share your experiences about church or no-church. Be Blessed, Lynn

Comments

[Thena]

I believe when were just at a breakthrough. The storm gets really rough. The devil fights that much harder for us to give up. Hang in there and keep praying God will see you through.

[Tamara Hari]

this is typical and I have been there too - I am interested what you write on friday - I told Jack the same thing: if you come, please come for yourself or if you want to give me and the children joy - DONT COMPLAIN!

I guess I am lucky: Jack comes and doesnt complain - or maybe not lucky????? - the more one complains the more they are listening????

whatever, Jesus loves you both!

hugs, Tamara

[Justine]

Wow...Wow. Identical feelings. I have the same feelings as you and my husband reacts the same as yours. It is a double edge sword and that sword is fighting with the devil. I know that. They have such a huge thick wall up in front of them and little by little God will break thru. I believe, the reason they react that way, is because they are scared of letting that wall down. But the question is, what are they so scared of?

[Rosheeda]

Oh Lynn. So, here's a thought. Maybe as direct as your words were, they were necessary and an important part of your husband being drawn to Christ. We often resist direct statements and requirements of respect, if not acceptance, because we dont want to hurt our guys, but I think that just possibly you saying to him in such a direct way sends the very clear message that (1)you want him to respect such an important part of your life and (2) you dont want him pretending to be interested in your Jesus just to please you, rather, you want him to want it FOR HIMSELF.

Neither message is bad. Or wrong. They are, in fact, very appropriate - however uncomfortable the moment was.

Sometimes moments like this are pivotal. Be encouraged and know that God is all over this.

Ro

[Denise]

I can totally relate to your words spoken here my friend. That is how Eddie use to be, he made up so many excuses not to go to church. Either he did not like the music, the preaching, the people, ect. I praise God that he is now in church with me, and he likes our pastor, the music, and the people. But, most importantly, he loves the Lord. Hang in there sweetie, loving you, and praying for you.

[Rosheeda]

Lynn,

maybe this is not quite as bad as it seems.

what if, just maybe, this was in fact a GOOD thing between you and Mike? Remember that everything that feels bad is not REALLY bad.

however uncomfortable, a direct candid statement can be seen as positive on two levels. (1) You make it plain to your Honey that respect of your faith (even if he doesn't accept or agree with it) is something you expect of him. And (2)you made it clear that as much as you want him to love Your Jesus, you dont want him to fake it just to placate you; you want him to want it because HE wants it FOR HIMSELF.

Both those messages are clear and right.

We so often avoid making frank statements like these because we worry that we will hurt them, but taking the chance and just puttin' it out there, so to speak, really can be a pivotal moment.

Be encouraged, Lovey and know that God's Hand is all over this thing. And I'm prayin for ya'll.

Ro

[Rosheeda]

ok, i posted a second post because i didn't think the first one showed up.ha!!!

[Melonie K.]

*huggggs* This sounds like it was leading to quite the situation... oh my. I can't say that I blame you thus far - I would expect that if one is going to attend, then be respectful during attendance, whether you believe as your spouse does or not. But I can see where your hubby would be battling back and forth and maybe he's just "letting it out". It hurts that it hurts you....but I can (kind of) see his point too....

[Michele]

Oh my Lord! Am I ever so intimately acquainted with this one! Not only with my own husband but with the other unequally yoked women I sit with. When any of our husbands would come it would be a definite damper! They act visibly bored, angry, irritated, non-participating, making comments, etc. etc. etc.

While we desperately wanted our husbands to come, when they would it would seem to really restrict our own ability to worship and get something out of the service. I did the same as you one day and told my husband I DON'T WANT YOU THERE if you don't want to be there, so don't come for me! He looked at me kinda funny ;)

Thing is, until they are willing to put down their walls of pride they will not understand anything about worship or what the whole purpose of church is! It's not about us and our entertainment! That's lost on them.

Amazing thing happened in the weeks after that, he ended up gradually coming more and more, and the Holy Spirit has definitely begun to do a work in him in just the last few weeks. I've been in this for 19 years so far, so I was beginning to lose hope. He has turned a corner, and somehow, somewhere along the line, he has started "getting it." I'm praising God that the walls have begun crumbling. I'm seeing real changes that I can ONLY credit to God doing because he had been SO resolute in his non-belief for so long.

God wants every one of our men saved and our prayers are NOT falling on deaf ears. Some people take YEARS and YEARS to finally let God in. My husband got downright mean and nasty just before he turned the corner - I was over it! Almost gave up on him to the point of preparing to leave the marriage! It's really true that it gets worse just before breakthrough!

God works with each man differently, and sometimes He will cause us to be bold with our husbands in ways that might surprise them AND us. Follow that prompting of the Holy Spirit. It may be just what he needs to change his thinking.

Stand your spiritual ground and don't lose hope! God Bless you!

[Tami Boesiger]

Is it fair to leave us hanging until Friday?! If you were nearby, I'd shake you girl!

[Barbara Blackburn]

I just found this blog. Oh, it's like water in the desert. Thanks!!! I too am unequally yoked. Long story of course.
We were 15 when we met. We're now 50. We don't fight over faith. But, we were divorced for eight years.
God brought us back together and I know he is working. But, I need encouragement -- LOTS of it.
So, thanks.

[e-Mom]

Lynn, a few quick thoughts...

First, we still haven't resolved our "where to go to church" dilemma... and we're both believers. We've made some big life changes, and my DH is now hopeful that HIS needs for a contemporary church more like yours are met.

Me? I'm old-school traditional... organ, hymns and the whole nine yards. Plus, an hour is about all I can take of ANY church service. I've gone alone to our "church of the frozen chosen" on many occasions.

I'm delighted and surprised that your guy is at least willing to go with you.
WhooHoo! His attitude reminds me a little of C.S. Lewis before his salvation. He just didn't "get" why people actually liked church. Eventually, of course, it all fell into place for him.

I look forward to your next installment!

Love You!

[donetta]

:)

[Caroline]

I could feel your pain Lynn as you wrote this. I think you have been given wise encouragement here. I do also believe sometimes you do need to do something different for things to change, and most of all of course He is in charge so take courage dear one. Sending you a big hug.

[Jensmere]

Hi Lynn...thanks so much for sharing this! Can't wait to hear more...

bless you for being so 'real and transparent' for us to see how God is working in your life!
Susan

[Nicole N]

I haven't been here in a little while but the last few posts and videos AWESOME!!!! Here's a funny comment about bringing your man to church. The day I gave my testimony at church my husband came with me I was choked up most of the service especially at communion and had tears for awhile. He turned to me in the car on the way home and asked in a concerned tone- "Do you need to see a psychiatrist or something?" LOL one word - Clueless

[Cindy Cassada]

You dont know how encourgaging you all have been. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Married for 2. He is a new christian, so he says. I see some fruit but he still uses curse words and likes to have a beer once in a while. I belive that comes from hanging around his best friend who says he is a christian but says its ok to drink, "since Jesus drank wine". I told them it was not alcohol. Anyway my husband did go to church and the holy spirit was dealing with him until he got hurt by the pastor and his wife. Now he wont go to church at all. I was not serving God when i met my husband, but i knew it was wrong to be unequally yolked but i didnt listen. After going to church with me and finding out about being borne again, he does confess to being saved. Like i said before i dont see much of a change. It seems that every thing i say, he takes it as complaining. I cant even make a statement about my children or something his best friend does thats not right, without him saying im complaining again. Any suggestions on what i can do to win him over on my part?

[Denise Hughes]

"Thing is, until they are willing to put down their walls of pride they will not understand anything about worship or what the whole purpose of church is! It's not about us and our entertainment! That's lost on them."

This earlier comment made me pause. The "walls of pride" usually need to come down in all of us before submitting to Christ as Lord. And until Jesus is our personal Savior, I think it is understandable that worship is lost on an unbeliever! When worship is a natural outpouring of a soul that has been redeemed, how is an unbeliever supposed to "get it"?

The loud music, the long times of standing and singing, and the long services are probably rather confusing to unbelievers. Their confusion, or their inability to make it all "compute," may come out sounding like complaints. As Christians, we get so accustomed to our Sunday morning culture that it is sometimes hard to envision what we must look and sound like to others. Singing about a Lamb and blood probably sounds creepy, except to those of us who find it completely normal. :)

It's truly wonderful that your husband is coming to church with you!!! Thank you for honestly sharing a vulnerable part of your life. I know that it is comforting for readers to not feel alone in our experiences. I'll look forward to reading Part Two.

Denise Hughes :)

[gretchen]

Oh, Lynn...I"m sorry. So hard. We can't let it be about us, though. We just can't. I mean...we have to take care of our own relationship with God, but we can't cross that boundary--hard as it is, and I know exactly where you're coming from--into having them go because we go.

Sending hugs and prayers that God would meet you where you need him to meet you right now. xxxooogretchen

[Angela (Ang4him)]

Oh Lynn - as I read this I knew exactly how you feel. I remember so many times being jealous of those couples. And I remember the well-meaning words of others who could not begin to even understand how I felt.

I also remember so many telling me ways to "trick" my husband into coming to church with me, thinking if he just stepped in the door all would be okay. But I learned early on in our marriage that my husband doing something he does not really want to do is not a pleasant experience for anyone.

Things are a bit different now that I'm part of a house church. Partly because the atmosphere is a bit different (there are only 6 families). My husband still does not attend but he knows all these families as they have all be part of our lives outside of "church". But I still yearn for him to join us and I get that familiar twinge of jealousy when I see the way some of these couples support one another.

Honestly, I so want him there with me, but I'm also a bit nervous about those first few times when he does decide to come along (cause I know it will happen, someday)

I can't wait for the rest of the story. As I read the end I could totally see myself saying the same thing to my husband and I thought through all the possible reactions that I may have received from him if it had been us.

[Your anonymous friend]

If you only knew how much I can relate. I found out about 2 months ago, that the church we have been attending the last 2 years, that my husband chose for our family...he hates it and does not want to sit under the teaching there. He has rarely went with us, but when he does, he often walks out half-way through the service or acts very angry when it is over and cannot wait to leave. No time for chit-chat with others...let's go!!! The tension is always so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

About 2 months ago, he finally told me that no matter how early he goes to bed or how much coffee he drinks something about this pastor's voice lulls him to sleep and how that horribly embarrasses him to fall asleep in church. Now this pastor does NOT do the same to me...

However, God works in such peculiar ways...

Just about a month before he told me that, as I was sitting in the pews in the foyer and was discussing how the loud music now gives me severe headaches so I have to stay out there...other women whom I know to be godly mentioned they have to sit out there "to keep from falling asleep, as pastor's voice lulls me to sleep."

So when my husband told me that, I realized he was not just making lame excuses. The downside is that my teenage daughter prefers a different church but I have made us remain in this church to please my husband. Now I feel like we could have left already!

As for fighting/complaining...even pastor's wives have told me that for reasons of the enemy they often come to church angry at their spouse for a fight or complaint that erupted either at home or in the vehicle on the way to church. Life can be smooth all week at home, but when it comes time for church...out come the monsters...LOL!

I love you dearly sis and look forward to the next part of your story. Hugs to you!!!

[Stacey]

I've been praying and praying for my husband to come to church. He did come once for our son's dedication but it was a separate service from the normal church service so no sermon or worship. At the time I wasn't a a true believer. Now that I'm a christian I ask him to come. I tried at Christmas and again at Easter. He'd tell me he would come an the beg off on that Sunday morning. I asked him to come for my baptism. He said he'd come but the morning of the baptism flat out said. "I'm not interested in the church thing so I wish you'd stop asking me". So I have. I don't want him there if he doesn't want to be there. He might just make the experience bad for those around him. I feel for you Lynn. I'll keep praying for all of us who need our spouses and loved ones in church.

[Lisa Kelly]

I honestly thought I was the only one! I stumbled across your Blog and feel a bit shell shocked! I want so badly to add you to my Blog list but it will hurt my husbands feelings and as you know, that's the last thing we want to do when we desire the Kingdom for them! My husband's first wife left him for a Pastor. They carried on an affair behind his back as well as the first wife of the Pastor. It was devastating to him.
THANK YOU for your words! I will be back!

[Karen Lawrence]

HI again.

I hope I am allowed to say what I feel is the correct thing.

I feel that you have not entirely given your situation over to the Lord. Perhaps you have, but I sense that you lay it at the Lords feet, only to take it up again.

Its not YOUR problem. Its between him and God.

Release your hubby and you will have total peace. I say this in a most loving way.

I have walked in your shoes for many years and my hubby is still not a believer. I know the Father knows the desires of my heart. I know with a fact that he WILL come to church one day, that we WILL be a Christian family CHEERFULLY serving Christ.

I look forward to all praying together and worshipping the Lord. I refuse to look at the "seen", but trust in the unseen, with absolute Faith. For we serve a very faithful God.

Bite your tongue when he rolls his eyes, or complains about the music or the style of worship.

Rather REJOICE. Rejoice that he is at church, thank God and pray that the Holy Spirit softens his heart.

[Debbie]

My husband has not come to my church with me one time in the 15 years I've been going. He hasn't even gone on Christmas or Easter or to a special concert. I used to invite him all the time and finally he told me to stop asking. So, I have.

Does it cause me pain? You better believe it. But I finally came to the point of realizing I'm not responsible for his salvation. I pray all the time for it. I pray that the Lord would prune me and transform me into a woman after God's own heart. Because when the fruit of the Spirit is evident in my life, I don't have to speak or preach or manipulate (yes, I actually said that word)!

At this point in our marriage though, my husband is so much more supportive of my church going Sundy mornings. And he can tell when I haven't had my daily quiet time. We work together and pretty much spend 24/7 together. Can you believe it? But if I miss a quiet time, he asks me about it. Because his life is so much more pleasant when I have already been fed by the Lord! And for that I praise God for that answer to prayer. I want God to get the honor and glory the day my husband finally ...gets it! And I'm so looking forward to that day.

[Karen L. Evans]

Lynn, I read attending church alone part one. How awsome to hear your experience and I can truly say that I can claim your story as my own. My husband recently started to come to church with me. As time passed by his remarks about the church and the pastor caused me to say, 'You know, you can stay home. Why do you come anyway!' His reply was because he wants to. I used to get excited about him coming with me and I'm glad he does, but it's hard to hear the sermon when my husband is figeting or playing around with one of the kids. I look forward to reading more. I hope I can encourage others with my story - I have lots of them.

Karen Evans