That’s what God told me to write about this week. To be honest, I don’t really know what to say about it, other than I seem to be battling it more at the moment than I ever have before.
I learned at an early age to be confident, even if I had to fake it. An insecure childhood taught me how to “pretend” this state to the point that I could almost believe it myself. I remember one of my first prayers to God after He’d put me back on my journey of faith was to be authentic. I wanted to be real.
Yet now, after all the years of persistence in obtaining this authenticity, I suddenly find myself tempted to pretend again. Makes me think of some of the lines from the Casting Crowns song, East to West.
I don't want to end up where You found me
I really don’t want to go back to that place I used to be. I don’t want to return to that person who knew only how to rely on herself and no one else. I don’t want to go back.
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
I don’t want to be a woman who lives in fear. Afraid to fail, afraid to try, afraid to hope. No, there’s more. There has to be.
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I already know this will be a critical year. God has shown me this and reminded me again just the other day. He’s promised to do great things in my life. He’s promised to reward my obedience. He’s promised to be by my side all the way. He’s promised that this will be the year that my husband comes to Christ.
So what am I so afraid of? Is this me or the enemy trying to interfere with what God’s calling me to do?
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
Perhaps in my deepest inadequacy, God’s strength will shine the brightest. This is what I’m grasping onto as I face questions from my husband regarding the Bible and the Old Testament Laws. These are questions that send me running to the Bible and God for answers, because I know I don’t have them.
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I love that last line most of all. Because through it, I see that all I have to do right now is hold on and let him do the rest. His hands are more than adequate.
Scars and all.